America's Next Top Model

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I Be Like Ugh

Shannon of course decides to write about her husband, or Jesus, or both. Lisa tells us that she's been writing songs for years, so no one could be more ready for this than her. "Songs." Lisa's lyrical inspiration is her stance in the competition, which she describes as, "If you want to hang out with me, you'd better hold on tight." She sings her title hook, "I Be Like Whoa." Wherever she is, Maya Angelou just wept at the power (and/or nonsensical meaninglessness) of Lisa's words. Tom also loves it. And then we get a flash of Shannon writing her song, but the big story here is that she's sitting on a divan next to a birdcage that has a sign on it that says, "Pure." What. The. French. We then see Tom working with Dominique and Laura to tweak their lyrics a bit for better effect. And then there's Allison. She's sprawled out on the floor, and also appears to have scabby knees. Neither of those things is good. Lisa explains to us that Allison can do the challenge, she's just freakishly freaked out. Allison hands her lyrics to Tom, who detects that they are meaningful to her. He says that he loves them. Allison explains that she wrote about her father, who passed away last year. She's feeling overwhelmed, and tells us that the things that surface when you're in a pressure cooker situation are often things that matter. Like a message carved in a pan of low-fat brownies, tearing a path through the crusty chocolate surface.

With the 20 minutes having passed, Tom gathers the girls to announce the challenge winner. He says that Lisa and Angelea were both standouts. Lisa's lyrics were great and they didn't even have to tweak the chorus. Angelea had a strong story, and knew what she wanted. But the winner is Lisa, and this means that she'll get to see her fiancé, whom she describes as her better half. The linguistic innovation just flows out of her like water from a rusty spigot!

The girls head to The Village music studio, where they meet up with Tom again. He goes through a list of all the musical luminaries who have recorded there, and Laura is so thrilled that she wants someone to pinch her. I'm sure Tom would oblige if she asked nicely. He's a really supportive mentor like that. So, also, there's a twist. Tyra has come up with a "really fun hook" that she'd like each model to incorporate into her song. Tom asks the models what "pot ledom" means to them. Angelea, with no hesitation, realizes that it's "top model" backwards. Allison looks so depressed right now, I can't even tell you. Tom is way too enthusiastic as he tells the ladies that Tyra wants each of them to incorporate the line, "Pot Ledom -- that's Top Model backwards," into their song. I spent a good 48 hours trying to come up with anything that could be considered even remotely more stupid than this, and was ultimately unsuccessful. Tom also emphasizes the fact that the girls are trying to make a viral video, which is all about fun. If Allison had one bone in her face that was not completely depressed before, it has figured out how to use itself to weigh down her frown even further. She feels completely defeated at the idea that she's going to have to work "Pot Ledom -- that's Top Model backwards" into her "fun" song about her father dying. I mean, I would actually like to see Bob Dylan or Joni Mitchell take a crack at that, just to determine if it's possible. Poor Allison, making the rookie mistake of being authentic and sincere, and infusing her work with meaning.

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America's Next Top Model




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