America's Next Top Model

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arkable. Finally there's Kayla. She tells us in a very creaky voice (which I hope is temporary and not her actual voice, because it will drive me insane and I think we'll be hearing a LOT from her this season) that she's not normally afraid of heights, but was still scared on the runway. She manages to make it to the end of the runway and even takes it so far as to point at the audience at her turn. The Jays crack up, and don't even give her a lecture about the perils of runway weirdness.

Backstage, the girls discuss the difficulty and craziness of their recent runway endeavor. Chris, in describing her terror, grabs her boob and gives it a little jiggle. This might be to comfort herself at the thought of what future challenges hold, given that they achieved such a high degree of difficulty right off the bat. Jane dorkily says that the Jays may hate her walk, but she had fun. Anamaria rolls her eyes and interviews that the other girls have busted walks, so she's not even paying attention. See, not eating makes you evil. Go, everyone, and have some nachos right now! Not being on a calorie-restricted diet, I think I shall do the same. The Jays tell the girls that they did a pretty good job for being four stories up, but there's still a lot to learn. There's no winner announced for this challenge. I guess they're all winners for not succumbing to nerves and gravity. Which, in turn, makes us all losers. Oh, the heady swinging pendulum days of glory! We may never see your like again.

Back at the house, the girls receive more Tyra Mail. "Ever been bullied? What's the one word that hurt you the most. Love, Tyra." Ann tells us that her hurtful bully word was "giant," of course, and recounts how regular-sized people at the mall will ask her if the circus is in town. And don't even get her started about that Jack asshole and his freaking beans. Chelsey says that she got made fun of for being pasty white. I mean, like, once. She's not even that pale. But I'm sure the hard knocks of being a gorgeous child and model at age fourteen were more devastating than we can imagine. Kayla says that she got made fun of for being the only gay girl. She fully came out by her senior year of high school, and tells us that it was a lot to go through. Indeed. However, she's out, proud, and ready to represent. It's hard not to like Kayla, with her doubly painful backstory and her perfect skin. I can see why Tyra wanted to give her a hug.

The next morning, the girls head to Smashbox Studios in Hollywood. Jay tells them that today they're going to focus on bullying, which is one of the leading causes of teen suicide. Just ask Kelly Bensimon and her homemade PSA! If she and Tyra teamed up, it would be world domination for sure. We'd all be smizing with our satchels of gold and getting dumber by the minute. Mr. Jay is wearing a t-shirt that says "band geek," and says that he was bullied in school for, well, being a band geek. Hey, I was a pom-pom girl. Band geekdom is real. But, as the old saying goes, she who wore a turquoise spandex bodysuit and sequined leg warmers shouldn't throw stones. My, those were heady days. Anyway, Jay rips off his "band geek" shirt to reveal a shirt that says "creative genius." He tells the girls that the word "band geek" did not define who he became as an adult. And neither does "creative genius." Nice try, though.

The girls will be modeling bathing suits today, and will have the word that was used to bully them written all over their body. What they're trying to show in their photo is that the girls have shed that negativity and are now strong, empowered women. Also, hot girls in bikinis with words on them! Maybe the show just wanted to prove that it could reference a George Michael video other than "Freedom 90." Their photographer will be Deborah Anderson. She implores the girls to reveal who they are through their eyes and body language in the photo. Hair, makeup, and body painting is done. Isaac Prado is the body paint artist. I don't think this is his specialty, given the results of the body painting. I mean, basically it looks like they just needed someone who knew cursive. Liz's bullying word is "mutt," which Isaac correctly says is terrible. Anita Patrickson is the wardrobe stylist for the day. We get a shot of Anamaria being an asshole, per usual, but her particular assholish gesture really shows off her prominent ribs in her bathing suit. Lexie tells us that Anamaria is emaciated. Also, she's a real jerk. Lexie does not see her as one of the stronger girls, despite what Anamaria herself thinks.

Tyra enters the building wearing a shirt that says "big forehead." Uh, I think the correct terminology is "fivehead." Tyra says that she heard comments about this every day, and in every recap for a while, and then one day a girl in high school came up to her and said she could be a model. And so Tyra whips off her shirt to reveal another, tucked into her high-waisted pants, that says, "Supermodel turned businesswoman." She turns around to reveal, "...with a big forehead." I love when Tyra pretends she has a sense of humor! Kudos to the staffer who came up with that. I would have preferred "rib-eating megalomaniac" myself. All jokes aside, this shoot is very important to Tyra, given how important the issue of teenage bullying, and Tyra bullying, is to her. She wants the girls to come up with an opposite to the bullying word they'll be using. She asks Terra what her bullying word is, and Terra says that the mean kids called her "soup cooler" because she has big lips. That is, in fact, ingenious in its nonsensicality. I mean, what the hell? Tyra asks how you turn "soup cooler" into something beautiful and positive. "Eater of soup that isn't so hot it will burn your pretty big lips?" Terra can't seem to think of anything, so Tyra suggests "luscious lips."

Tyra asks Ann when she last cried about being called a giant. Ann says it was probably during her senior year of high school, though I'm guessing "ten minutes ago" would be a more accurate answer. Tyra also notices that the issue is still close for Ann, and Ann sadly says, "...Yeah." She mimics the mean giant impression that people would do. Growing up really is shit sometimes. Also shit: appearing on a reality TV show that is recapped. Sorry, Ann. Tyra asks Ann to think of a positive spin on giant, and she's at a loss. Tyra suggests "Amazon," which is of course the obvious choice. Ann is all smiles and tells us that a giant is a monster, but an Amazon is glamorous and awesome and cool. And don't even get me started on how beautiful bi-creatural Amazon/warlock babies are.

The girls finalize their hair and makeup, and we learn that "body paint artist" Marky Andrews also knows rudimentary cursive. Damien Carney is the hair stylist for this shoot. Esther is up first. Her bully word is "weirdo," and her power word is "independent." Photographer Deborah Anderson tells Esther that the emotion in the face is the pain that she's gone through, but the body indicates that she's come through it with aplomb. I guess that means that no matter how weird you are, a great rack equals success. Esther has a hard time with the posing, and Jay points out that her hand placement makes it look like she has a crab claw coming out of her shoulder. He's convinced that Esther's 30G bosom is never going to be a problem, however her paucity of modeling ability may be. Rhianna's bullying word is "stupid." She says that teachers have called her stupid, because they have a hard time understanding her. Tyra tells Rhianna that this is because she has an artistic mind without boundaries and borders. Rhianna's power word is "undefinable." I think she should have gone for, "just rather dull." Deborah tells us that Rhianna struggled during her shoot, and got stuck in the same position. So much for the artistic mind, I guess. Couldn't she summon a tulip or something?

Lexie is next. Her bully word is "elf ears" and her power wor

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America's Next Top Model




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