America's Next Top Model

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And then there's Anamaria. She tells Jane and Sara that her mom's always trying to get her to gain weight, but she likes how she looks when she's thinner. When asked if she's ever been thicker, Anamaria says that she previously weighed 135 and now weighs 110. Jane looks both disturbed and bored as she says, "You bitty." Anamaria interviews that she's on a calorie-restricted diet. It's how she keeps her weight in check, she says, and as a model that's how it should be. Well, at least we can now surmise that Anamaria is such a bitch because she's really fucking hungry all the time.

Several of the other girls get to know each other a bit better, and Kacey asks if anyone has a picture of their boyfriend. Kendal looks disdainful, likely picturing each of these girls with a handful of semen. Kayla asks if anyone else in the house is gay. Chris clarifies for us that Kayla is in fact gay, which is cool with her. Kayla is out and proud, and tells us that she would love to be the first lesbian to be America's Next Top Model. Oh Pigford, it's like we hardly knew ye. I'd wave my rainbow flag in support of Kayla, even though I guess I'd prefer the first openly lesbian winner to be able to find her way into or out of a room. I can't tell if Kayla looks much more attractive to me now that I know she's a lesbian, or if her straight, pulled-back hair is really that transformative.

The girls get their first Tyra Mail, which is cause for great excitement. It says, "Your rise to the top begins in Hollywood. Love, Tyra." The girls scurry off to the Hollywood and Highland Center, home of the Academy Awards. The Jays meet them there. Miss J. sports a Louise Brooks bob and tells the girl that this cycle the stakes are raised extremely high. Jay Manuel explains that they'll be walking in a Diane von Furstenberg runway show. Ah, wrap dress of my soul! But, the Jays explain, the stakes are extremely high in a literal way. They point up to a runway suspended four stories above the ground. It's clear, which is the second scariest part. The third scariest part is that the girls will have to do their own hair and makeup. I guess no one's really going to be able to see them anyway, so it doesn't make that much difference.

The girls head upstairs to get ready, and there's a total product placement for some sort of curling iron slash straightening device slash brush in one. I don't know that this is the most effective product placement, however, since we don't actually get the product brand. They should take some tips from The Biggest Loser. Although if Jennie-O turkey shows up on Top Model, I'm retiring from recapping for good. The girls get harnessed, which is a disappointment. Sara's with me, saying that she thought the deal was that if you fall, you die. It would save the trouble of an elimination ceremony, and wouldn't even be that much mess to clean given how skinny these girls are. Maybe we could start a petition for next season.

With everyone in full hair, makeup, and wardrobe, Jay tells the girls that it's all about confidence. The Jays give a quick introduction to the crowd that's gathered below (who are primed for some serious upskirt views) and it's time for the show to begin! Ann is first to go, and tells us that she's afraid of heights, which is ironic since she's so tall. Her fear is completely apparent on the runway, as is her utter inability to walk in heels. She manages not to plummet to her death, though, so I guess that's a victory. Jay tells us that she was nervous-looking and awkward the whole time. Lexie is next, and tells us that the runway is actually really unstable and kind of sways from side to side as they walk. You can actually see it bounce if you really look. As she walked, Lexie as wondering what would happen if she fell. Tears. Of laughter. And frankly, I think the producers of this show missed a golden opportunity to combine this with last season's swinging pendulum runway challenge.

Chelsey walks next, and is very excited to be wearing Diane von Furstenberg. She manages to look relatively natural as she walks, except for her possessed eyes at the end of the runway. Chris walks in a dress that I would like to purchase immediately, and also doesn't fall. Anamaria is next, and tells us that none of the other girls have the potential to take it to the next level, so she doesn't have to worry about them as her competition. Her exact words are, "They're nobody to me." All charm, this one. A full-length view of Anamaria on the runway confirms that she is, in fact, bitty. Miss J. tells us that he expected the wind to knock Anamaria off the catwalk. She stumbles on the steps when she goes back inside, but there is no death-plummet involved. This challenge is a total bust. Sara walks next, and looks absolutely gorgeous. I find her very strange, because sometimes I don't think she looks like a model at all, and sometimes she's totally stunning. Jay says that she was the girl who looked most believable on the runway. Miss J. looks confounded by this, but we never get to actually hear his opinion.

Next we have Jane, who is neither spectacular nor unspectacular. No one has any commentary on her, which I think may be a motif this season. We finally get the opportunity for a little excitement when Kacey takes off her glasses before it's her turn to walk. Since she can't see so well, she's pretty concerned. Jay tells her to use the pink lights on the runway as a guide, and not to go beyond the final pink light at the end. Kacey tells us that when she takes off her glasses lights just blur, so Jay's advice is actually useless, per usual. She's scared for her life, and says that her heart is literally pumping out of her chest. That slippery mess on the runway will make her walk even more difficult and chances of plummeting four stories even greater! As we cross our fingers, Kacey steps on the runway with a crazy look in her eye and we head to commercials.

When we return, Kacey is still scared for her life. And yet, after one crazy-eyed look, she stomps on the runway and works it. I mean, she still looks crazy, but she doesn't look at all fearful or afraid of falling. A triumph of the will! Perhaps she remembered that, not actually having retinitis pigmentosa, she would likely not garner so much sympathy and might as well actually try to do a good job. But for real: get some contacts. The answer was inside you all along! Rhianna walks next and quite strangely has her hair over her face. After this episode I may revise my theory that she could win it. Whose version of doing their hair entails simply covering their face with hair? Also her picture later is pretty stinky, and her skin appears to be problematic. It's possible that, like Andrew Garcia's version of "Straight Up," she peaked early with "tumbleweed" and actually sucks. Liz walks next and tells us that thinking about whether you're going to die and whether you look good in the same thought is pretty unsettling. Liz never has to worry about whether she looks good, because she's so freaking hot, even when she looks terrified.

Esther walks and I have to confess I'm a bit puzzled as to why she made the show. Maybe they're hoping for a religious meltdown of some sort, or just really want to make "big boobs" a recurring subplot for the season. Terra is next, clomping down the runway like a linebacker. Chris interviews that it's good to have her sister there, but also hard since they're in competition. They're a little like the Williams sisters of the totally inconsequential realm. Miss J. states that Terra unfortunately did not have the walk. She also made herself look super matronly, which is never a good move for one of the older girls. Kendal walks, and gets a big edited-in cheer from the crowd and no additional commentary. She does look pretty stunning, though her walk seems unrem

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America's Next Top Model




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