America's Next Top Model

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Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-two bitches boarded a bus to Smizeville, and learned that they were vying for an Italian Vogue spread. Kayla showed up looking like a hot mess, but magically became kind of decent when her hair went from curly mop to freshly showered. Terra and Chris are going to get old real soon with their exhausting shtick. And Anamaria actually seemed to know what she was talking about. Fourteen girls are in it to win it!

We jump right in with our new models, who are strolling the Venice Beach boardwalk. Chelsey tells us that it basically lives up to every stereotype she's heard. Rollerblades, dogs, hippies. Anamaria, who is in possession of an extremely cocky walk, interviews that all of these girls are her competition. She notes that she's extremely high fashion, versatile, and irritating. That last part might be implied. Anamaria says that it might be her New York attitude, but she thinks she's fucking awesome. That makes one of us. Terra tries to convince us that it's an advantage to be in this competition with her sister, since the two of them will be able to pick off the others one by one. She hasn't yet realized that modeling isn't a full-contact team sport, apparently. Not that that wouldn't be great, particularly if styling tools could be used as weapons.

Venice Beach icon Harry Perry rollerblades up to the girls in his big-ass turban, playing the Top Model theme on his electric guitar. In the words of Chris, "Who is this fool?" Well, according to Wikipedia, playing an electric guitar on rollerblades while wearing a turban is, in fact, his vocation. Rhianna will probably be married to him by the end of the episode. After thoroughly scaring the girls, Harry Perry tells them that the fastest way to start their climb to the top is in their new house, which is right behind him. He looks back on a glass-walled structure and the girls grab their key and race in. Kendal, who lives in a mobile home normally, calls the place a glass palace. Or, as some may say, a fish tank. There are a lot of Italian Vogue covers on the wall, which ups the excitement for everyone. Chelsey says that her favorite part about the house is the runway in front of the window. For Rhianna it's the sandbox on the top level. That is certainly not the cleaning lady's favorite feature. Maybe some stray cats will make their way in and fashion it into a makeshift litter box. I would watch the hell out of those cats if they got their own show.

Everyone gets settled in to their new digs, and Chris tells us that it's hard to get used to all the different personalities. To wit, Chris tries to have a conversation with Ann. She opens by saying that they're going to find Ann a man. Ann kind of cracks up, but Chris is serious. She asks Ann what her type is. Ann replies, "Hobos are kinda hot." Chris is wearing a shower cap at the moment, which makes it all the more special when she says, "Big beard with a yellow ring around their mouth, yeah that turns me on." She diplomatically interviews, "Ann's different," and explains that she's nice and is just trying to hold a conversation. Those are her first and second mistakes. Chris asks Ann how old she'll go, and Ann says, "Sixty." She cracks up but you know she's totally serious and is going to, like, end up marrying Stephen Hawking. As if Chris's patience hasn't been tried enough, Ann adds, "He has to be a warlock. And he has to spit fire. And he has to know how to make sushi." Ann tells a nice story about being ostracized because she's so tall, but I think we're getting a little insight into the social dynamics at play. Though I can't say that I wouldn't at least try a warlock-owned sushi restaurant. Maybe she's on to something. Ann interviews that she's a weirdo. Thanks for clarifying. She doesn't go on to say whether it's by design or default. I'm not sure where I stand on that issue.

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America's Next Top Model




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