America's Next Top Model
Coco Rocha

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Fight Flub

The girls return to the beach, and Nigel says that they look good but could still probably use a little help. Happily, there are some friends from the NFL on hand to do just that. At the sight of a Y chromosome, Angelea almost falls to the sand. 716 needs some lovin'! We are introduced to the football players. The Blue Team will get Julian Edelman, from the New England Patriots. All of the players are representing a charity, and Julian's is the Ellie Fund out of Boston. At least it's not the one where they pass around the can at the movie theater and make you feel guilty while eating your $7 popcorn. I refuse to give money to that one just on principle. Also joining the Blue Team is Jahvid Best from Detroit, who is representing something called the Breathmobile. Fighting halitosis on wheels since 1976! No, I looked up the Breathmobile and it actually provides care to kids with allergies and asthma, both of which I have! Hooray, people who gasp, wheeze and snot all damn day. The Red Team gets Houston's Kareem Jackson, who's representing the Learning Experience School in Miami. San Diego's Dante Hughes is also joining the Red Team, and he's representing Athletes Against Drugs. Angelea remains beside herself. Nigel announces that the winning team will receive $5,000, which will be split between the charities represented by their two NFL players. The disappointment that the money will go to a charity other than "model who can't find work" is palpable.

But wait! There's more! This is America's Next Top Model, of course, and girlfights must have a fashion element to them. Thus, whenever a flag is thrown, one contestant's name will be called, and said contestant will have to pose for a nearby camera. Bre thinks this is all too much. The girl with the best photo will be awarded a campaign on Tyra's new website, TypeF.com. How does Tyra have the time for yet another crappy vanity project hot on the heels of Modelland,, you may wonder? It is truly a mystery for the ages. If I've learned one thing from Tyra's career, it's that throwing a ton of shit at the wall and seeing what sticks can actually make you pretty rich. And also that "Shake Ya Body (Body)" is not the thing that will stick. Sigh. The winner will also get some bling from the Gastineau Glamour jewelry line. After all, you can never have too much cubic zirconia!

With that, it's football time. There is a thick cloud of sand throughout this whole thing. Alexandria tells us that she was diving and getting sand in her cooch and did not even care. Kayla, whose posterior has to be blurred out, tells us that many of the girls took this football game as an opportunity to work out some personal frustration. You don't say! Bre tells us that she and Angelea are pitbulls on the field, and they can take some bitches out. With elbows, apparently! Bianca is, no surprise, an elbow-thrower as well, and Lisa says that she got attacked super hard by the lady herself. And of course, Bianca does not disown this. She says, "Bam! That was for getting in my business. Bam! That was for talking out of turn. Bam! That's just because." She is truly a national treasure. Shannon doesn't like arguments, tension, or being tackled. This is also not surprising, as she looks like she might snap in half if the wind gets too gusty.

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America's Next Top Model

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