America's Next Top Model
Coco Rocha

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Fight Flub

Meanwhile, there is Tyra Mail! "If you care about anything, you won't drop the ball. Fierce and love, Tyra." Laura thinks that this sounds dangerous. Spoiler: she isn't wrong! Lisa tells us that she was in the bottom two with Angelea, and that it's important for her to do well this week. She also tells us that she's a great model, and has lots of experience in the business. Which business? That could help us determine the veracity of her statement. Lisa says that she's been pounding the pavement since she was a little girl with no help from anyone. Little Orphan Lisa! I guess Mama Warbanks didn't provide the windfall she'd hoped for. Like cockroaches and Cher, Lisa's still here. And, spoiler, she's not going anywhere. I am legitimately shocked that she's made it through episode six.

The girls head to Long Beach, where they find a sign that says "America's Next Top Model All Stars Charity Challenge." Isn't it charity enough that Tyra let these bitches come back on TV? Nigel meets the girls on the beach, with special guests Brittny Gastineau and Julie Henderson. Bre describes Brittny Gastineau as "an incredible socialite that everybody strives to be at some point in their life." Poll: do you think anyone who starred on the reality show Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive can really be considered a role model? And yes, I watched way more episodes of that show than is humanly decent. Julie Henderson, on the other hand, is a "fiercely real" supermodel. That means that she's, like, a size 8. Julie and her friend and fellow model Kate Dillon started an organization called Curves for Change, and though we don't learn precisely what said organization does, it has something to do with bettering the world. Blah blah blah. Save it for the Oprah Winfrey Network!

Today, Julie and Brittny are apparently going to help the girls better the world. And how will they do that? By playing flag football. If only Mother Teresa had thought of this, her impact would have been unparalleled! There will be two football teams, but because the remaining girls aren't numerous enough to fully fill out two teams, the eliminated contestants are brought back. Brittany Brower hollowly says that you couldn't ask for more. Except to still be in the competition, I guess. The girls are outfitted in crop tops and bathing suit bottoms, thus not violating Shannon's morality clause. The Red Team includes Shannon, Kayla, Alexandria, and Lisa. I guess the other members really don't matter for our purposes today. Kayla tells us that she's done sports all of her life, and then verbally confirms the stereotype that athletics are for the lady gays. The Blue Team includes Angelea, Bre, Laura, Bianca, and Allison. Bre assures us that the Blue Team is ready for mass destruction.

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America's Next Top Model

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