America's Next Top Model

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My Heart Belongs to Fatty
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Previously on ANTM: We began with fourteen finalists, who waged a fierce fight for stomping supremacy. Some made an impact, while others were forgotten as soon as their oft-busted faces stopped appearing on our TV screens every Wednesday night. Three girls have survived it all, and tonight one of them will be named America's Next Next Next Next Next Next Next Next Next Next Top Model.

Will it be Anya, the effervescent and ethereal beauty from Hawaii, who got only more elfin and sprite-like as the competition went on, but who also might be slightly retarded? Though really, I guess crowning a mentally challenged girl as the victor really wouldn't be breaking down any barriers in the world of modeling. Or will it be Fatima, whose absence of certain lady parts proved less of a barrier than her inability to listen on set? She's steadily improved and is certainly the prettiest, but if watching ten seasons of ANTM has taught me one thing, it's that this will not matter in the slightest. Or will it be Whitney, the beautiful, full-figured girl on a mission to revolutionize the modeling world after Tyra's producers told her to take a spoon to the Crisco can and fatten her ass up? Whitney stayed near the top, until she was at the bottom a whole bunch of times. With Girl Scout Cookies to comfort her, she was able to find the strength to go on. Three bitches remain!

It is night. Anya, Whitney and Fatima head home. Anya tells us how excited she is to be in the top three. When she first came to the competition, she wasn't confident about herself. Now, she realizes that, though there are many, many girls in the world who are just as pretty and mentally suspect as she is, she takes better pictures than the majority of them. Fatima tells us that it means so much to her that people look at her like she's beautiful. She struggled with self-esteem growing up, and says that she basically grew up in a shack. And not a Love Shack, as we well know. Her family had no electricity or running water -- she emphasizes that they had nothing. If Tyra were here at this moment she would tell Fatima she knew exactly how she feels, because when she was 14 she had to go to Paris to model and no human being has ever suffered such hardships, clitoris or no. Fatima has been in the bottom two a couple of times, and says it makes you kind of wake up and realize that you need to get with the program.

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America's Next Top Model

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