American Idol
Twelfth Worst Person Goes Home

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Wizard People, Dear Reader

The kids all talk about what they wanted to grow up to be as kids, so like five minutes ago, and this is this: Paul wanted to be a comedian, so good work there; Karen wanted to be Selena. Durbin wanted to be a graphing calculator, Taylor Hicks wanted to be a seismograph, Jennifer Lopez wanted to be a subway conductor, Ryan Seacrest wanted to be a thundercloud. Steven Tyler wanted to be relevant.

They sing "Born To Be Wild," you know that is a song I love, and then they swing over into singing "Born This Way," and it's a mashup which is very Red Bull in nature, like that time all of Glee got hooked on pills. Or that time Stefano sang a song.

Is there a phrase more hateful than "Lee DeWyze and the Black Eyed Peas"? In the English language is there a less cellar-door phrase than that? Because that is what is happening. I'm so distraught I can't even get excited about the Fox Ford Focus Music Video. Just pulverized by this latest thing.

Ryan says some big number about some big thing, whatever got downloaded one time or how many people don't really care or something, everybody cheers, Ryan always says big numbers, and then we "get to know" the contestants some more. I feel like they are doing more of that this year than ever before, and I really wish they would not. These kids are just not that interesting.

I mean, doesn't it sound horrific to have to talk about anything with, say, Lee and Crystal last year? Davids Archuleta or Cook? Oh my God, Bo Bice? Not because they're bad people, or unintelligent people, or less than completely charming: It's because they are musicians, and -- just as Steven Tyler -- musicians live on a different part of the tennis court than people who are interesting to talk to. Lambert, Kelly Clarkson -- Blake Lewis possibly, but not really -- these are people who are people, in addition to being this show's version of people, but it's not really required.

It's like, you know how much I love giant trucks and when I grew up I wanted to be a green-and-purple Constructicon and just move dirt from place to place all day long. That sounded like a good time to me. And I still love dinosaurs, because they remind me of construction vehicles and my dirt-moving fantasies, but I wouldn't go to a dinosaur or a backhoe to talk about fashion, because that is not what they are for. I would prefer to speak to Grace Coddington over a backhoe.

So the kids are talking about how they can do tricks or something, there's not really a topic beyond "Here's some things you didn't know about Me": Locking Them Doors isn't just an interest of Scotty's but a passion of Scotty's; Karen is a Tuvan throat-singer and shaman and can change her shape; Thia Megia and Pia know each other from being in an all-girl assassins guild back in the eighties; Lauren Alaina runs a whorehouse outside of Reno; James Durbin once fought a computer and won, through willpower; Jacob Lusk keeps a family of mannequins in his basement and dresses them up in themed outfits; Stefano is a dealer of drugs, psychedelic drugs mainly; Casey Abrams is, you may not have known this, just the best thing of all time; Paul McDonald has diseases they've only ever seen before in rats and sheep; Naima, surprise, speaks six different African languages and does this in the same focused, insane, patronizing way that she does everything.

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American Idol

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