American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Do You Feel Inspired?

...I'll save this year's bizarre rant for the end, actually, so here we go: Seven of these little angels left, Ryan looking smoldering with a white pocket square and a spiffy haircut, Steampunk Siobhan and Bartertown Crystal looking like Burning Man, and the twisty-turny trilogy of terror known as Idol Gives Back, "Inspirational Songs" for the theme, and the always-welcome fuckin' Alicia Keys. We got some aggressively white people in the audience I maybe am supposed to recognize, Ellen looking like an angel from Heaven, Simon in a flirty sweater and Kara dressed like a person.

Let's kick things off talking about Alicia Keys and how all her songs go like this and then do that thing sixty more times. Ryan spins a wild little Jacob recap about how meaningful and special and inspiring she is, and then Alicia gifts us with her insight that "music is so amusing, the way it goes along with how people feel," and Ryan tells us about Alicia curing AIDS in Africa, and Crystal whores herself out to ask how happy Alicia is to be involved in IGB. Oh, girl. She's gonna eat this up, though, right? Crystal loves this crap.

IGB is Alicia's favorite show because of how it "really relates to how I am and who I am as a person." Why, we should really just call it Alicia Gives Back, since it essentially describes her: Both how, and who, she is. As a person. Alicia says, and this is telling, that the kids are lucky because they too can be "a part of something that's even bigger than just them. And that's a great thing to be a part of." Even bigger than Alicia Keys? I'm in.

Well, no, I take it back, because honestly I cannot disagree with the statement: IGB is precisely how, and who, Alicia Keys is as a person. And not to be hypocritical, because I too mainly love things not for their intrinsic value, but for how they relate to me, and to the way I comport myself. "That IGB looks so good on you!" people are always saying, and I say, "It's for the kids. As people."

Casey's singing "Don't Stop," and Alicia would like him to connect with it because it's such a played-out song. That's his deal, right? That people pay attention to him no matter how clapped the song is? The band is wild right at the top, and he plays the guitar and screams that song. Man, Fleetwood Mac is so great. Wait, that's what Alicia wants me not to do. Man, Casey is so great. But seriously, I see what she means -- I already knew what she meant, but it's very true here -- like, it's hard to actually hear the words because you've heard the song so much it's like Vonlenska going in your ear.

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American Idol




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