American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Bird On It

I notice the AFLAC commercials have gone to a full silent-movie format in the wake of our recent global tragedies. That seems like a nice way to do it, albeit a bit high concept, but the bar on creativity is high with insurance companies and the loss of Iago the Parrot is a heavy burden to bear.

Ryan, first of all Ryan asks what might happen when you combine the most infectious songs of history with the most dynamic singers of the nation. Which is like Mr. Wizard starting things off with, "What would happen if we built a rocket to space?" and then the followup, "Yeah, that would be bad-ass. Instead, let's watch crystals form."

I don't know why you would ask questions like that and then give us this show as a response, but damned if the kids aren't adorable wiggle-walking out onstage in a big crowd, with Ryan in the middle. Every time you think it's as Live as it's going to get, it gets even Liver.

Oh, and even though we don't have mentors this year, Gwen Stefani is hanging around. For Rock & Roll Hall of Fame night, clearly what you need is Gwen Stefani, fresh from her botched secret mission to shoot Wyclef Jean in Haiti. The very soul of rock and roll. Maybe she's their fifty-pounds-of-makeup mentor? Ripping-off-other-cultures mentor? Abandon-all-hope-ye-who-enter-the-pop-machine mentor? Cynical-and-stupid-aren't-actually-opposites mentor? But I still don't understand how she would or could possibly... Ah, this is an excuse for Steven Tyler to talk about himself.

Quick Quiz: Name absolutely anything that is not an excuse for Steven Tyler to talk about himself.
A: Trrrick Question.

Oh good, the coach is not Gwen Stefani but in fact it is I can't wait for to tell us exactly what music sounds like. (Or really, I can't wait to see him deal with Jacob Lusk, because they are the same exact lady.)

I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS "You keep showing up in the Himalayas and then not even taking a submarine to the bottom of the Atlantic you like diving in it and the compression I hear explode in your head and your eyes pop out: That's your range!"

Lusk: "Let's do it. Let's do the nasty."
(Immediately decides not to do the nasty.)
Iovine: "Jacob felt 'Man In The Mirror' was more who he is than 'Let's Get It On.' He is not listening to me and, so I wash my hands of it."

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American Idol




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