American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
You Can't Say He Never Tried

Go to the gym? Are you freaking kidding me? What, so I can look better? Feel better? Guess what, it's not my outsides that are ugly. When I think about self-improvement it's things like, I wanna be impervious to fire. Move objects with the powers of my mind. I want to be faster than the human eye, okay, maybe grow a tail. But we're not there yet, you guys. We're just not there yet. So fuck the gym.

...Yeah, I'd say the coffee has definitely kicked in. Let's do this. Happy Cinco de Mayo from Ryan Seacrest, basically the America Ferrera of the Fox Network. Before the inevitable Sinatra medley, we learn about the Top 10 Tour, and Ryan gets the giggles when he squeezes Kara's shoulder and Simon jealously slides away.

They're all dressed like hired killers, and I guarantee I'm not going to know any of these songs, and then the song that they start with is "Lady Is A Tramp," which is one word you cannot call Crystal -- except for the fact that she is a okay with this kind makes of her one. Then Aaron sings about how when he was seventeen -- which he is -- it was a very good year -- it is not -- for pretty girls and other things in which Aaron has zero interest.

Casey takes the reins for a better-voiced and really truly embarrassing bad lip-sync about how he has the world on a string. It's sort of flesh-crawling to watch him emote this. Crystal beats everybody's ass on one line, and Lee impersonates Harry Connick on the next. Mike is cheesy, Aaron gets steamy on "Night & Day" while the rest do a sort of amazing Manhattan Transfer kind of backup on it. More horrible Casey sucking real bad, and then Lee selling it and Mike trying to. Every time he licks his lips, take a drink. Just kidding, you will die. They all team up on how they want to spend their lives making love to us, and finally it is over. Nobody came off well here, but at least Mike's horrible mindless grin is there to remind us of all we've already lost.

Next week: Songs of the Cinema, with Jamie Foxx. I hope he performs! That's one of the things I remember from a previous year, when Jamie Foxx did his horrible song. That was so awesome. Remember? He wandered around with a microphone and kicked the air.

Ryan reminds us that Top Five is still pretty good. Then the pimpmercial which is all of them being gay in various French ways while singing some lame song I've not heard before, and Lee and Crystal getting all From Justin To Kelly on each other, but then also she smiles at Casey, which means the end benefit is that we get to see pretty Crystal smiling beatifically into the camera about sixty times. Or else she's going to fake-bang them both, because the lady is a tramp!

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American Idol




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