American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Tell Me What You Know About Night Terrors

Remember how Pia got eliminated based on the votes of America, and Randy Jackson was so fucking confused by that concept? How because J. Lo was upset and the people were shouting and Randy thought it was 2001, he demanded a recount and went all Harvey Keitel on the concept of democracy? That was annoying. He's so consumed with being friends with everybody that he ends up smelling like everything in the fridge, and none of it even means anything.

Tonight, he's wearing a cardigan and necktie, and Steven Tyler has gone all the way through his Kohl's storehouse and ended up with a flouncy little number Agnes Moorehead might find a bit much. So there's that.

Quick run through the whole concept of voting, and People magazine decided that J. Lo is pretty or something. They're always on the forefront of what you call the celebrity news cycle. It's fairly embarrassing for J. Lo, which is fun.

IN WHICH WE REMINISCE ABOUT THE DAYS OF OLD MCDONALD

Paul McDonald's Ailment will be singing "Old Time Rock & Roll," from Risky Business. One of those songs for old people about how things used to be better before they got lazy and tired and stupid. To say that I would rather see him in his underwear than yet another of those awful painted jackets is... Oh, damn it. Oh, goddammit.

will.i.am is back. HOW THE FUCK. How does that work?

Anyway, fucking will.i.am somehow got even gayer and is now doing this whole In Living Color snap-calisthenics about the concept of Paul McDonald in his underwear, and thus we begin.

Paul's dressed in an all-black version of the picture-me-having-a-personality jacket with the roses, and flopping arms about like a child, just a dolt of a child, and you can barely hear his tubercular bullshit singing as he flails about with a red satin neckerchief and a tambourine that never stops shuddering.

I can't even be mad about Paul McDonald, or the shit-eating grin on his face as some girl plays the saxophone, and the song goes on and on and J. Lo pretends to care, because I am so upset about will.i.am. Why is he here? Why can't Iovine let him be?

Tyler: "What was good about that song is how I masturbated to your saxophone player. Also, I'm going to praise your outfit so that you know how horrible it truly is."
Lopez: "You just keep fucking pushing it, don't you?"
Jackson: (Nothing, absolutely nothing of worth. It's not name-dropping if nobody knows who the fuck you are talking about, Dawg.)

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American Idol

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