American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Then It's Just Wigs, All The Way Down

And we are 75% complete, with six kids to go, plus the PoV. Which if I'm remembering correctly has to be used either this week or next week. And given the fact that even the best of the best were terrible last night, I'm hoping Kris and Lil didn't break the curve for everybody, because last night's piece of crap should not be held against anybody besides Quentin Tarantino, who conjugates "bring it" more times in ten seconds than Randy has ever said the various three things he knows how to say. There's a quick bump of pointless advertising for what we're about to see, made all fake-grainy because of QT, and then it's time for the actual show.

I just saw Observe & Report and I'm still a little overwhelmed. It was like watching a postgrad philosophy major shark eat Eastbound & Down and then romance you. And I was romanced, let me tell you. Jody Hill, apart from looking like a backwoods supermodel, is a bulletproof tiger drinking from a volcano and he's not even in the movie, it's all Seth Rogen inventing new ways to be wonderful. And heartbreaking, oh. The ads are not the movie, even more than usual. You should see it.

Also heartbreaking: the pimpmercial, which is bad singing of "Freeze Frame" where they're all on the covers of magazines or whatever, it's dumb. That song is dumb. That song is Kids, Incorporated in the form of a song. I always forget how much singing there is on this damned show.

Kris does a little dance down some steps singing "Maniac" from Flashdance in a pretty lovely fashion, and then Allison jumps out of the audience in Barney-purple cameltoed felt bondage pants -- which manages to combine everything that's wrong with her into a single piece of apparel -- and Anoop sleazes down some more stairs because that's all there are now, just stairs and steps everywhere you look, constantly whirling, and nearly takes a header on the yet more steps; Matt... Everybody looks so spazzy singing this song and pretending like they care, but at least we get to see Randy clapping and dorking out in a way that is so embarrassing it's not even funny, it's just weird and gross.

Adam pretends the words of the song are about having sex with you, and Danny looks super hot and sounds super hot and just is begging to get punched in the box. Lil is wearing a dress over pants that makes her look weird over weird, and that's it. Didn't that movie have like a bajillion songs in it? Why not sing all the songs? Although I know a cool thing about this song, which is that it was about an actual maniac on the literal floor that goes around fully killing real live people, but then they changed it to a metaphor about the criminally underrepresented stripper-slash-welders of America. It's true, you can look it up.

Adam does his damndest to justify QT's presence with a little speech about how music is important in his movies, just like it isn't important on this show. Ryan and Adam agree that he is "brilliant," with which I do not disagree. Then Allison tells us about how they rode in a limo to the premiere of 17 Again, which if you don't know is about a magic spell which, much like Adam Lambert, instantly turns you into a gay teen.

Celebs on hand include Leslie Mann, whom I love but not as much as she in turn loves American Idol, it would seem. She gives like six soundbites about "Whatever, I'm in this shitty movie that I don't even care to piece together the plot, but I am freaking out that the Idols are here!" It's amazing. Zac Efron talks about whatever, the movie is so meaningful and matters so much. There's a girl I recognize from somewhere standing with the recently redeemed Silas Botwin, Anoop being stupid, Chandler Bing having spent all his Studio 60 earnings on whatever he spends money on, Thomas Lennon being adorable in real life and telling lies about how yes, it's the fiftieth Freaky Friday rip-off but also special in its own right; and some cougars. Then Anoop says he loved the movie, Adam says he liked the bitchy cheerleaders of course, and Lil talking about how she wouldn't go back to being seventeen again, I guess because the sixties were tumultuous.

Zac's in the audience, and I still just really don't get it. He seems like a nice guy. Ryan enunciates to him like he's an idiot that the movie looks really fun, and Zac's like, "It so is!" and they both look like they're lying through their teeth like on that show Lie To Me as Ryan congratulates Zac on all his success. He's orange! He's always been orange! He looks like a creepy gay robot! Although I will admit that he looks less that way with every passing year, and soon may even register as male.

Anyway, Allison sang whatever she sang, Paula gave her props for authenticity and the having of Special Sauce, and Simon said she was the only girl left. Allison at least knows enough to look anywhere but Lil when he says this, but characteristically is speechless. Bless her heart but she's so dumb, you guys. It's painful to watch her speak. She's safe, thank goodness, and Adam claps her on the back and she is desperately grateful to him for sticking by her through all these scary moments.

Then it's Adam's turn, as the "bravest" contestant ever on this show, and he and Simon have an affable and sweet conversation about how being "Rocky Horror" is not strictly speaking a pejorative state, but does contain such an onslaught of troubling semiotics that it's hardly a good thing either. Adam's like, "I'm a theatre kid! I like Twilight, Rocky Horror, Britney Spears and Cheyenne Jackson! Those are like the only things I know about! Tori Amos! 'The Gentleman Who Fell'!" Anyway, he born to be wild and is also safe this week, obviously.

Anoop stands up. Go home, Anoop. He sang "Everything I Do, I Do It For You," which is a lie. Randy and Kara both thought it was awesome, and Ryan wonders if Anoop feels he's hit his stride, and Anoop answers in some way. Who knows? It's very long and very boring and doesn't answer the question, perhaps it involves Barbecue Myths and perhaps not. I miss liking Anoop, but not as much as I miss not totally hating Anoop. The best thing about Anoop is that he's not Danny Gokey, and even that's not going to do it for me for much longer, because Gokey's kind of growing on me. It's always been this way in my actual real life: whoever I hate, eventually I hate them so much that I grow to love them, because hate gives you wrinkles. I'm not saying it's going to happen with Danny, I'm just saying I'm getting bored of hating Danny, so really the best thing he can do is turn up everything horrible about him to the red level so that this self-protective mechanism will kick in and he can become affectionately exasperating. And then before you know it, the season will be over and we can forget he exists. Anoop laughs about how he's not going to be in the Bottom Three like he is every week and then Ryan sends him to the Bottom Three like he does every week, and Allison stares into the camera like she has no idea where she is or what's happening. I submit to you that this is because she does not.

Now, a very special "surprise," which is even more special, as a surprise, because Ryan already told us about it five times: Jennifer Hudson is here, having won an Oscar and a Grammy or Grammy's. I don't think I've ever seen her sing before. I recognize her, she's super cute and she was in that movie where Sarah Jessica Parker gave her a purse and taught her to masturbate about shopping. And then I guess she won an Oscar, but I don't think it was for that! It is for that movie with that song I hate so much. And now she has a hit song called "Spotlight" that does not sound very great, but you can't really argue with a first album Grammy. That's amazing for her. Did she win this show? She says no. I wonder who won whatever that year was. Maybe it was the little g

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American Idol




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