American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Bring Out The Gimps

Tonight, apparently, we are going "big time"; this means that we're watching these kids sing music from the movies, in the presence of Quentin Tarantino, also from the movies. I'm not sure what the point is, of having him here, since he doesn't sing and only knows about music from movies he's seen or whatever is most desperately interesting. I like the movies that he makes but I no longer care particularly for him, because not only did he lose his unique looks but he's managed to make of himself a caricature of himself, which was already a caricature. Which does my head in, but also makes him the opposite of Kevin Smith, a charming man whom I love deeply but whose career, creatively, seems to revolve around creating irritating characters and then making them do irritating things.

Ah, he was a guest judge on this show in Season Three. Which was before anybody thought to pay me to watch this show. And now look at us, you and I. And look at QT, who has some kind of seriously troubling haircut happening, and how he's sitting in the audience watching this go on, and I guess taking part in the mentoring somehow this week. Really? I feel like maybe they explained why this was a good idea five years ago, but I'll be damned if they've done it this year.

I mean, five years ago it makes sense, because the show was creaky and ghoulish and weird to the same degree and for the same reasons as QT's aesthetic, I mean, I get that. And having him here now is appropriately whorish. But isn't the whole point of the show now to be, like, relevant in some way? Not that QT isn't relevant (QT is not relevant), but just... This show used to be Blue Velvet and now it's Mulholland Drive, if you see what I'm saying. So if you carry the analogy forward, that means the guy who should be sitting here instead of QT is, um... Crispin Glover; basically it's a tie between Drew Barrymore and Crispin Glover. Which I think if you split the different is Cameron Diaz. So I guess Cameron Diaz is the new Quentin Tarantino, or vice versa, which are both sort of already obvious.

What the fuck am I talking about? I got so bored because of this show. [Don't worry... all you missed was them basically admitting they screwed up last week because they let the judges talk to much, so each contestant only gets comments from two judges, instead of all four. Except it took them like 20 minutes to say this... time that could have been spent judging. -- Angel] Okay, now QT is telling Allison that she's not at a "performance level," and fetches himself a chair so that she won't be so intimidated. Like she even knows who the fuck he is, or anybody is, or anything. And also, let me tell you that of all the famous people in the world that should make you nervous, which is like four people, QT should not make you nervous. He just wants to drink, and do whatever you tell him is cool in Austin no matter how trashy it actually is. If Allison right now strapped some rollerskates on her feet and slapped a bindi on her dumb little forehead, he would be crying into his hanky. Instead she's like, "WTF, Monsieur Botox is telling me how to sing now? Awesome." It's pointless for a little while, and then even more pointless, because she's singing "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing."

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American Idol




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