American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Carrie Underwood Presents: Some People

So of all the surprises last night, and there were many -- Shania songs are awesome, almost everybody left was really good -- the one that is weirdest is the suckiness of Siobhan. I mean, Crystal was I guess "entitled" to one sub-par performance, but it was still better than anybody else, so it's not exactly shocking. But there seemed to be a real Emperor's New Clothes feeling with Siobhan, both in watching her performance and with the judges' comments. I am absolutely confused as to what happened there.

Tonight's magical guests include Shakira, Rascal Flatts, Sons of Sylvia and Lady Antebellum. I don't know who Sons of Sylvia are, but I have an issue with Lady Antebellum in which their name is really offensive. They seem like nice people, and I've been told I wouldn't hate their music, but: Lady Antebellum? Are you kidding me?

First up Rascal Flatts, a band nobody hates, fronted by a man I've always found pretty charming. Until tonight. He's not feeling it, like maybe he has the flu, and also the particular tics and things he does have changed and multiplied drastically, I think, in the last year. There's some urban twang in there, and random jumps into vibrato and thin country falsetto. He looks really... Diabetic. Is there something really wrong with him? Do we know anything about his health? Not to mention that his hair is brown and he has no eyebrows, two things I think were not true the last time we saw them. The rest of the band is still adorable, though. Also, this song is about doing the impossible and how you should keep believing, which is when I check out. Bleep-bloop.

...Oh, now the sick man is dancing up on Ryan Seacrest in a weirdly homophobic way, I guess because Shakira is going to get involved. That's not going to fly. Ryan kicks it to commercial like whoa. That was even less inspiring than I thought it would be, and way more annoying. I wish they would just sing "God Bless The Broken Road" and keep the rest of this to themselves.

None of the kids looks scared besides Siobhan and Aaron, but especially Mike does not look worried. The pimpmercial now has a making-of video in addition to the actual thing. It bugs me when they do that. So they are becoming vampires, to a Florence + The Machine song, and looking pretty hot altogether. Mike is the one getting eaten, and Crystal laughs about how there'll be plenty to go around. They screw around in the forest with weird contacts and costumes, and it's fun. Aaron looks like a prissy Cullen, particularly. Shocker there. At least Gokey isn't here to have some retarded made-up Harry Potter Jesus issue with this.

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American Idol




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