American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Chairmen Of The Bored

Nothing to report of the megawattage they'd have us believe last night was made of, beyond Jamie Foxx wrapping things up by still being weird, and clawing at the camera like a cat, all "Let's shock the world!" You know what's shocking? Fighting with Miley Cyrus after you've won an Oscar. Anyway, Ryan shoots some finger guns after walking down the steps in a genteel fashion, and then who do my little eyes spy but Vanessa Abrams herself, Jessica Szohr. Maybe she's going to do one of her Dove ads about Kara DioGuardi's imaginary eating disorder.

Tonight, KD is wearing a weird silver neckline that looks like it was pleated and pinned by a Project Runway contestant about six seconds ago, while Paula's got ginormous earrings from the Renaissance Olde Tymes and a matching giant head broach right above her ear that makes her look like she's in a Star Trek religion. She looks lovely, so does Simon, and Randy is still classless. Simon says that he's amazed, on rewatch, by just how good everybody was, which they were, and says that it was the best Top 5 episode ever, which it was. He says any of them have the chance to win at this point, and he's sort of stunned by this realization.

Ryan then tells us that Natalie Cole will be singing, but declines to spoil us as to which dead zombie person she's chosen to accompany her tonight, and then Jessica Szohr's date shoots her a hilarious hateful withering look when Ryan says that Jamie Foxx will also be performing. But the first thing he says, which keeps all of this from registering at first, is how Taylor Hicks is going to be here tonight. Because that fucking sucks.

Pimpmercial: Everybody's in black and white suits in the black and white desert, racing toward something in slow-motion. The thing is a car, and the way everybody looks is: fucking fantastic. Just as the car is about to hit them like bowling pins, Jesus takes the wheel and it swerves in a slow circle around them, causing like cherry blossom trees to appear and grass on the ground and Kris's hotness to go from monochrome to technicolor. I must say, that was the best one of those I can remember ever seeing. Except for the one where they were Muppets, which for some reason I still remember like it was yesterday even though it was like in 1992 that that happened.

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American Idol




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