American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Some Came Running, Others Limped

I knew it was Rat Pack night, but seeing them dressed like that is like waking up from a dream where you got fired and then waking up enough to remember that you really did get fired. In fact, I'm worried enough that I'm going to cheat and look at the song list... Oh, that's nice! I like all of these songs! As long as they don't bring out Tony Bennett this should go well. Matt's going to kill! [This is Jacob from the future, pointing and laughing at you for thinking Matt's awesomeness and his song's awesomeness couldn't possibly add up to something stupid.]

Paula's wearing a crazy dress, in a lovely shade of red, that looks like a classroom decoration for Valentine's Day as viewed from a very wrong angle. The band rocks out playing some little jazz tune because of course they're going to both be awesome and enjoy themselves immensely tonight, Kara does a little dance, and then there's the Idols. From this distance, Danny looks fabulous, Allison looks almost properly attired, Matt is wearing an annoying hat and suit like Dick Tracy, Kris is tiny and can wear anything he wants, and Adam's back in all-white, which means drama. Up close, Matt's wearing a blue shirt with a grey suit and has thus redeemed himself away from the swinger ethos he looked like at first glance, and Danny is wearing a hideous chin-beard.

If the surprise mentor is Tony Bennett I'm going to throw a goddamn fit. Is he dead yet? Are there any left that are alive? They play up the suspense by going to the mansion and showing us the makeup lady slathering foundation all over Adam, like they do I guess every second of every day, and Matt's freaking out because if they're taking the "standards" part seriously it could be somebody really atrocious like Rod Stewart or that man with the long hair, and Kris points out that all of those people are, um, dead.

But then it's so very organic that they're all gathered around the piano singing "Georgia On My Mind" when the real mentor comes in, because it's Jamie Foxx. Wait, what? Oh, it's because he -- just like the Rat Pack -- transcends the boundaries of TV and music and movies and space and time and whatever. I vaguely remembered the Oscar he got, because I thought it was ghoulish, and tacky in a whole additional way for giving out Oscars for Best Copycat, but if you think of it that way it makes total sense, him being here.

Besides, what else can you do after kicking off Lil Rounds for being a sound-alike but bring on the most successful sound-alike success story of all time? "Don't be a copycat! You might fuck up and win an Oscar!" ...And apparently, every other award that ever existed, and have a whole bunch of careers of which I wasn't aware. Apparently Jamie Foxx is everywhere right now. Which I didn't, paradoxically, know. Maybe I'm a racist. That would be a real kick in the pants.

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American Idol

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