American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Please Stop Believin'

So last week we sandbagged Adam into the Bottom 3 with Matt and Kris, which didn't matter because he was in the Top 4 anyway. Then, more recently, the stage manager was attacked by that damned Hogwarts staircase, probably while it was in mid-swivel. I hope this "Debbie" wasn't the cute goofy one that did ... something last year. I don't really remember the thing that I am thinking about, beyond a certain pleasant feeling about stage managers. While Ryan talks about that, the staircase lights up slowly, sinister and waiting breathlessly for its next victim, like the Mangler. It has tasted human blood and you know it's a slow ride into shit town after that happens.

So there wasn't a real rehearsal, due to the awakening of the hell, which is interesting because I've always gotten the impression that most of the show happens in the rehearsal, so what do we have here? A whole lotta weird, which I forgot it would be because this season has made me believe in all kinds of things, and I completely misplaced the irony or cynicism that would allow me to see the perfectly clear fact that inviting rock into this show is like letting your grandmother pick out your dates: counterintuitive and bonerkilling.

If you went to a used CD store in the spring of 1997 the bins were full of the score to Zeffirelli's Romeo & Juliet, because old people can't follow directions. And it used to make me so, so sad because each and every unopened copy of the score to Zeffirelli's Romeo & Juliet is the artifact of a dead dream. Sad for the ungrateful recipient who just wanted to listen to "Lovefool" a hundred million times, and even sadder for the very caring and not very observant person who fully went all the way to the store and bought something for somebody they loved, and it was the wrong one. That is a story with no winners, except the guy who knew putting the score to Zeffirelli's Romeo & Juliet on a Best Buy endcap was a very smart idea, and it's just the saddest thing in the world to me, and that's what this is like.

OMG remember CDs? Anyway, tonight we're doing something that can't help but be stupid, which is doing duets. Six songs total, and I'm guessing it's going to be Adam/Allison and Danny/Kris, both of which sound like awesome trainwrecks. Kara's rocking the Stefani bouffant pony I hate so much, Simon is resplendent in gray, and Paula looks like a normal person. Like a very pretty substitute teacher for once, and less like a FIT thesis. The Idols themselves are wearing "rock" clothes. This means that Kris is dressed like Kris plus a leather jacket, Allison looks like Allison with tons more makeup like a little girl playing dress-up, Danny is dressed like a youth minister who is totally out of his depth which is what he is, and Adam looks like a gay pirate from a future gay pirate spaceship. "Rock fans are in luck tonight," Ryan lies through his perfect teeth.

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American Idol




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