American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Achtung, Maybe

The boys are all lined up in the white lights and doing the following: Danny is smarming and then going completely dead inside while you watch, Kris is staring into space waiting to be sent home tomorrow, and Adam is mentally doing his grocery shopping. Ryan reminds us that we're doing the hometown visits, which is good because I have to be nice during those or I get letters. The lady from Lie To Me is pretty, but not so thrilled to be there. I wonder if every Fox person has to show up at Idol some unknown number of times in order to keep their jobs. Maybe everybody there is fulfilling an obligation of some sort.

This is the 300th episode of the show. Jeez. I wonder how many of those I've written about. At this point probably more than half. That's disturbing. More disturbing: Randy's Gokey-esque blue plastic idiot glasses. Nice. And then there's Paula, sitting with her chair turned away from the stage for attention, and it's like coming home to see them all acting up like this. The Top Three come out wearing similar silhouettes: Danny and Kris in t-shirts under vests or whatever, and Adam with his shirt buttoned down to here.

Okay, so "the panel" chooses a song for each of them, and then they sing a song they chose for themselves. First up is Danny, who's annoying people at and from a radio station when his phone rings with a text message from Paula Abdul. Her song choice for him? "Dance Little Sister." Huh? Oh, come on. Everybody knows that song. "Dance Little Sister"? Hello? By the douchebag formerly known as Terence Trent D'Arby?

No? Nothing? Talked about himself like he was Kanye, which still freaks us out twenty years later because the only African-Americans allowed to be proud of their accomplishments in the same way as white people are boxers and some but not all football players? Looked like a lady? He had that song with the whistling, and long stupid hair? He wore hats? And he sang that other song, with the scary flute? You know at least two of his songs, I swear. There's the one with the whistling where he conjugates the verb "wish" sixty million ways, and the one with the flute that I thought was about scarification, because I was nine and apparently didn't understand metaphors. They were totally huge hits in 1987!

...Oh, no, sorry. This isn't either of those songs. That's not what I was saying. This song, you wouldn't have heard of. It has no qualities at all, just guitars doing stuff and a sort of droning loudness. Just like Danny Gokey! Paula justifies her choice by explaining that TTD sold a million copies overnight, and therefore Danny is magical. I see your point, madame.

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American Idol




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