American Idol

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"You've Mastered The Art Of Conversation?"

ExxonMobil, NewsCorp, Ford, Coke and AT&T have signed on for the ethical carbon-trading of evil that Idol Gives Back represents. But did you know that Kris just got back from Haiti? You can tell because he didn't shave today, which you'll be excited to learn makes him more hot and not less. They talk about Haiti for awhile, which is very important, but mostly I'm amazed by Kris's hair, which has a certain Secret Life appeal. Then he sings "Let It Be" with his wonderful voice while pictures of bummer Haiti people flash by. It's all very well-intentioned and admirable. Follow your conscience. IGB both created and purged the inbox inside of me where I have things to say about that. Whatever Patton Oswalt has to say, I'm sure I agree.

"Ear Candy" (per Ryan) Casey James rocked "Heaven," we revisit the Kara thing yet again, and he's of course safe. Jermaine tried way too hard with his "Get Here," and Simon said he blew it, but he's safe. If you're interested, you can reach him by mailboat or PayPal. Lee completely turned me around, Simon thought he was the best, and he's safe. That makes me tremendously happy. As does his primary-color argyle sweater. Andrew threw in a half-assed remix of "Sugar, We're Going Down," but his talent -- and wicked facetime! -- earned him safety.

Tyler Grady's hotness and Alex Lambert's Florence Henderson wig are now on the block. Goodness, what will happen? I like both of them, but I think that Alex is just too green, and people will vote for Tyler's moves -- not the vocals, Simon -- Tyler's safe. Simon says Tyler's gone... And he is. OH NO! The audience goes nuts so hard they get bleeped, Casey James is losing his mind, and Casey cannot believe it... Then Tyler blames the Judgery, earning him instant Simon hate, and making the rest of this irrelevant. Video journey, we're not doing that this year. Then Tyler closes out the show with his hips and his awesome voice and total charm.

How sad. I know it doesn't sound real, but it really is. I was like, "What if Constantine didn't make me want to Saw II my own self? That would be so sexy," but I guess even the universe is better than that. So, I guess barring any huge surprises, the Bottom Two people from this week will at least be, I think, leaving next week. I'm okay with that, except for Didi. I'm grateful to Tyler for being adorable, to Lilly for cleaning up so nice, to Michelle for not talking at any point, and to Siobhan for not getting kicked off. I am also grateful for Ryan Seacrest. What are you grateful for?

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American Idol

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