American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"You've Mastered The Art Of Conversation?"

...But on the other hand, what do I say? "Sorry you leapt to assumptions better left for people who haven't spent the last ten years publicly and painstakingly charting their racism guilt online for your enjoyment, but... I feel you." Or, "Hey, thank God you didn't send this to an actual racist because it would weaken our case." Mostly I just feel like, "Way to Mary Powers yourself." There's a million ways to call me an asshole, but "racist" is simply not one of them.

Because honestly, if Randy isn't a fucking assmonkey then you tell me a better word. Girlfriend's got a point. I just wish she'd take that energy and actually help. Or had emailed me last year or whatever about LaKisha, because I actually deserved some shit for that. At this point, in this particular circumstance, it's just like "gay" or "retard" -- a concept about which you missed the memo. I'm sure this lady's feelings are legit, I just think there's a way to deal. If I call Ryan Seacrest "indefatigable," well, that contains the word "fag." He's at least one of those, and I'm both. So title your e-mails STOP BEING RACIST ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL and, like magic, I will start being crazy just like you. Otherwise, pull it together and fight the actual forces.

I'm sorry to go on and on, but my feelings get hurt so rarely that something like that, which makes me question my shit, makes me think. I mean, I came up realizing that one nut does not an entire psychopathy make, but you have to be real. Anyway, Siobhan seems to be having fun in the group sing, which is "American Boy," which is excellent to sing, especially if you're lip-synching. Lilly looks really nice, as does Crystal. The boys sing and it's less good, it's pitched way low. The little boys and mullets sing, and Lee looks much better today. Everybody looks fabulous, actually. Katelyn is wearing a particularly stunning outfit that's like Heidi crossed with Rosie the Riveter. Von Trapp party on the bottom, Project Runway mishap on the top! Casey is just completely uncomfortable at all times now, which is sort of cute, but it causes mugging. The boys are sort of in hell throughout this song, but on the other hand the pointy-pose is back!

Girls up, and as Future Drunk Jacob will tell you, they do this way more awesome and less slippery than usual. The back row is Siobhan's bitching "Wicked Game," which weirded everybody out even though she is the very greatest... And she's SAFE! I clapped my hands together like a poker dealer and screamed "YES!" because I really thought she was done. Then, Haeley was a hot mess, and she's... SAFE! Magical. I am so happy right now, assmonkeydawg. Now Michelle, who looks like she's cracking, and hates the hell out of the judges... And she's safe, too. Katelyn was wacky in all manner of ways, and I still can't tell... SAFE! I'm getting more and more worried about A-Rod and Janell... Who's up against Katie Stevens for the first drop. So obviously Janell is going home. That is very sad. What about love, you guys? Randy offers, as though it is unclear what's going to happen, that it's "too tough to call." Well, at least we'll get to hear Janell sing one more time.

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American Idol




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