American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"You've Mastered The Art Of Conversation?"

Dude, Thursdays are hard. Luckily there won't be many. If I had TiVo and not cable DVR, I would totally tell you exactly which seven minutes of this shit is and will continue to be unnecessary, but as it is? We'll just assume it's way more than seven minutes. Okay, so the last couple days are sort of a blur, so we'll let them tell us what went down as we go. All I remember is this, starring my BFF's BFF and my all-time obsession, being confused by Katelyn, and feeling really bad for the shit I said about Lady GaGa a year ago. It was mostly true, but came from a hater place that no longer exists in me. I got rid of it through the power of prayer, if you're wondering.

Ryan looks quite dapper in charcoal monochrome, his hair is great, and as if that's not enough we'll also be seeing funny Allison and adorable Kris, I don't know if you remember them but I actually do, and one or more of whom will be benefiting Haiti in some fashion. Ellen looks totally adorable in her sweater vest and blue ska-checks necktie; Randy is awful in mind-eraser red. Ryan tells Simon that he was way too harsh last night, which he was not, and Simon says that both Ryan and complainers can shove it. He reiterates that he is trying to help, which is what he's always doing: They were shit, he said so. Ellen looks cuter than she has ever looked, and recuses herself from the "banana" stuff last night. We're not going to revisit the Kara shit except to say that her hot-as-hell husband is sitting in tonight in case she tries to climb Casey.

I just got a fucked-up e-mail from a reader who said that calling Randy an "assmonkey" is racist. Which is confusing on several levels -- and I sent her just the princessy hurt-feelings defensive email you would think -- but mostly because I remember a couple years ago when I called a black female contestant an "800 pound gorilla" because of her talent, and the next day I was like, "What the fuck, J?" Because obvs that is not... I don't know. I try to tell you every time I approach being a racist, and I realize there are plenty of truly horrible things to say about Randy Jackson that don't involve words that contain the letters M-O-N-K-E-Y, and I guess now I have to use them.

But for the record, that's a Buffy thing, "buttmonkey," which via Wizard Of Oz -- surely the least African-American looking (and Flying) Monkeys of all time -- is where I assume the word originates, and 90% of the readership would assume the same thing. On the one hand, I totally relate: I will hair-trigger your ass so fast about things that don't deserve it. My knee jerks faster than the eye can see: Just ask the fanfic people, who apparently have never been as oppressed as they are by me, and other people who find what they do empty of creativity and sexually sheltered to an offensive degree. Those white women know what it is to suffer for their non-art. After all, using other people's characters and stories to explore other people's sexuality is really a great way to develop your own world and sexuality without doing either.

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American Idol




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