American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
Planet Seacrest

I love that exciting gladiator music where it seems like everybody might be going on a space mission while they intercut all kinds of footage and unknown memories, and then their little faces looking so intense, and then little Ryan being all intense in the Twilight drama. He seems to have continued his course of Charles Atlas's Dynamic Training Method or whatever has got him so aggro this week, for sure: His "This is AMERICAN IDOL" thing has never seemed so hairy-chested. Seacrest out. Of Control!

He leads us to applaud ourselves for voting so hard, and then delivers the sad news that Gokey will be entrancing us with his whole deal tonight. We'll see if that happens. Randy boos Simon, always classy, and then Ryan tells us that Simon has taken back some of his kinder words from last night -- in fact, that he turned off the TV during one performance. Ellen explains that last night she felt that Katelyn was playing the piano like a "soft, sweet guitar," which is why she misread her notes. Then we sing a Blac Eyed Peas "song."

Which, on principle we're not going there, but I will tell you that when you're actually watching it -- actually, you know, in The Shit -- this totally fake kids on this totally fake show, lip-syncing the fake song of fake band Black Eyed Peas, with embarrassed fake smiles and cheesy fake dance moves, complete with fake autotuning, it becomes a beautiful fakeness trompe-l'œil. Epic. It makes me want to just get a bunch of plastic surgery and do a bunch of coke and pretend that Neuromancer is real because if you wish hard enough maybe it happens. Sometimes, I'm saying, when the light is just right and the corporate-branded satellites align in the firmament, when NewsCorp is conjunct Virgin Mobile with Coca-Cola rising, for that brief moment, it is Ryan Seacrest's world. And we're just lucky enough to be living in it.

Okay, back row boys: Big Mike, Casey eclipsed and occulted entirely by his bulk, Todrick looking like six miles of bad road, John Park and Tim Urban. Tim's up first, with his unspecial "Come On Get Higher" having been undermined by his stage presence, and that lack of performance skills undermined in turn by his total hotness. Safe, clearly. Todrick's Tina cover pissed off Randy, Ellen and Kara find him confusing, and Simon thought it was theme-parky. They were wrong, but America... Nope, not yet, he's back-burnered. So Mike's "Man's World" really impressed everybody for some reason, and he's clearly safe too. No mention of his baby, if you possibly can bring yourself to care.

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American Idol




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