American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Everybody Hurts

Man, I was out of my mind last night. Hope you enjoyed it, or at least could follow it. I still think it was the worst thing in the world but I can't really believe I actually used the word "whore" that many times. One crazy lady made a list of all the dirty sex words I used -- including such disgusting terms as "gay" and "ovaries" -- but I question the validity of her list considering she left out the entire threeway with Seann William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Well, I guess you could make a case for that being less "disgusting" and more "totally awesome." Either way, it's always good to start your day with a laugh.

So two boys and two girls, and then also Matt Giraud and Scott McIntyre will do a duet. That sounds excellent, actually. Simon's in fine fettle, tickling Kara and having fun with everybody, and then Ryan tells Simon that he was wonderful last night. Neat. Then there's a picture of Randy's head superimposed over Bikini Kill's body, which is not as erotic as it sounds. Then the boys start some annoying Bublé song that sounds like the theme song of Welcome Back, Kotter, and Todrick/Andrew are particularly awkward. Katelyn and Paige -- the two most endangered -- sound really good in their lipsynched harmonies, which is sort of sad in a way. This song really is like the theme song of a sitcom that never existed and at the end of the credits, freeze-frame of Larry Appleton shrugging like, "Whatcha gonna do?"

It is also a very, very long song with many key changes, and Lacey rubbing herself on Lambchop, and Crystal and Big Mike being affectionate with each other, and Todrick reinventing the concept of gay dancing with Paige. Did you know Aaron Kelly is still here? That blows my mind every single time: Boom! Aaron Kelly! Deal with it!

There's something new and cool about the way they do the eliminations this year but I don't remember The Beforetimes well enough to know what it is. Oh, and the first theme of our Top 12 will be the Rolling Stones. That's going to be awesome. I could stand to hear Lacey murder some Stones for sure.

Didi's first up, smiling and cute as always but clearly nervous. She hides it well. They discuss how she has slowly crashed and burned ever since Hollywood, but leave out the wonderful happy ending where she was totally awesome this week. Randy tells her that she needs to be more consistently dope. Words to live by. And she's in! That's so great. She heads over to the stools; sometimes she is a cat in the dark and other times she is the darkness. Siobhan, similarly.

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American Idol




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