American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Who Sucked Out The Feeling?

Thanks to my beloved Joe for defending my honor against that damned hillbilly last night. Best birthday present of all time. Well, that and the return of United States Of Tara. But mostly Joe.

There's a bunch of overheated memories of last night that don't make sense out of context, except for the part where Katie was lucky to have met Miley Cyrus. Which is maybe the meanest thing you could ever say to a person. Freeze-frame on Randy Jackson's stupid face, causing a wave of laughter in the audience, and then we're in. Ryan Seacrest is now even walking like a stop-motion GI Joe doll. The ten-inch size, to scale. Soon his transformation will be complete.

Shit is so exciting tonight that a girl in the audience screams through her nosebleed, and Kara is turning into Norma Desmond right before our lives. ("We didn't need words, we had faces!") Then these poor kids have to sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," much pointy-posing happens, and poor little Aaron Kelly is, let's say, in his element. Otherwise, the Goblin King looks as uncomfortable as ever, Big Mike dances like a giant drag queen, Siobhan is my imaginary girlfriend, and Tim Urban is just imaginary.

This song is really literal. That's probably why Katie loves it so damned much.

There's like five seconds of studio time, and then we're on to the next fake thing, the car advertisement they filmed this weekend. All the kids drive to a fountain and then deface it with giant colored plastic balls, and then have fun in the balls. They leave Andrew's ass there, lying under the plastic balls like the Lady of Shalott and making this the finest Ford music video they've ever presented. Even Ryan, back in the theatre, is like, "Thank God we didn't lose Andrew permanently."

Casey, yesterday, had an eye-opening experience before the show (unnerving for Siobhan and Katie and Crystal) but then we find out that it was actually so boring they just don't want to talk about it: He sang the wrong words, and then on the show he sang the right words. Siobhan's boss is growing a Fleet Foxes beard to help her win, and he's sitting with the nosebleed girls, who are apparently dressed as "Shazombies." Siobhan: She's weird! Weird gross friends! Who knew? Katie's dad is drinking alone in a bar somewhere waiting to hear whether or not she is going to do okay. That's not a joke, it's her life.

Big Mike dares to blur that line yet again by walking around with his baby literally strapped to his chest. Next time try the forehead. While you're singing. He tells some boring story about his living situation I didn't really listen to, although props to him for only using the word "blessed" about sixty times.

1 2 3 4 5Next

American Idol




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP