American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Please Don't Dump Me Just Because You Can

Scott MacIntyre has finally surpassed Matt G in their all-out race to hotness, which I sort of saw coming. Matt G looks his best at the piano, with all the lights and the awesome singing faces of him, but otherwise he looks like Academic Decathlon. I wish that on Wednesdays they would do the big intro just for Ryan Seacrest, since the Judgery is already sitting. How many votes last nights? Over 31 million. "A great number," Ryan says, and people cheer. Why times two. Tonight, somebody named Brad and also Randy T and Carrie will sing a duet. That probably will rule. They're both gay-but-not-really, in different ways and in the same way, respectively, and they both have voices like wild, inbred angels.

Ryan calls Paula and Simon "Paula 'Straight Hair' Abdul" and "Simon 'Losing His Hair' Cowell." Not funny, and yet he still has to explain it to a member of the Judges' panel that is neither named above nor female. I mean, I fucking wish he would. Simon's hair has always been his biggest hotness problem, combining as it does "Psycho Fourth Grader Who Draws Guns In The Margins Of His Schoolbooks" with "Creepy Janitor Who Used To Go To This School Thirty Years Ago." It would not take that much to fix it. Leave the Fuller Brush Man/Chris Cooper Marine factor and just remove the "I slept on this" weirdo part it develops on its sneaky little own and you'll be fine.

Ryan's like, "Remember our new rule? Of course you do, Simon. Don't play." I don't have time to talk about it, because he's talking about PoV and how maybe they will use it tonight. PS, they won't. It's the second week of the show. Come on. So there's Kris doing some tender thing that made people who are not me very happy; Megan being effing weird with boobs; Sarver sucking dirt like a nodding donkey; Allison still floundering aimlessly with her monster talent clutched in her tiny hands; Alexis earning the hate of all people who are not me; Lil Rounds playing this game like chess, as it should be; Scott singing some damn song and being threatened with blindness by Paula; Adam freaking the fuck out of everydangbody; Danny Gokey being a nasty motherfucker as usual; Anoop bringing a gun to a whiffle fight; and Matt G being your boyfriend again.

Singing "Trouble" with Scott at the piano, just to piss off Paula, and the voices so obviously lip-synced that it's like a Fusion ad without the automobile; the boys pretend to sing, Scott plays the piano and no sound comes out, the girls all do variations of Megan's stupid dance. The girls advance on the Judgery and it sounds like crap; Kris is wearing a three-piece and looks hot as hell, while Mike looks hippy. Everybody else is annoying, and I include this song itself and Mike's face when I say that. This is the kind of cheesy that I am looking for, up to and including Adam and Lil singing to each other like they have anything to talk about. Yeah, I smell "T-R-O-U-B-L-E" too, and it starts with T and that rhymes with G and that stands for the gross salty-ass ramen noodles ten of you will be slurping this time next year in lieu of food.

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American Idol




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