American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
It Burns! Burns! Burns!

Yep, the big intro of the judges is here to stay. So dumb. They walk out onstage like the proud young ambiguous icons in the opener, and there's all kinds of applause, and it's insane. Kara is dressed like some kind of space senator, which is sort of awesome; she and Paula canoodle all cutely even though they were just backstage canoodling. Then there's this weird little blip where everything turns green and there are like six notes of some sort of jig and Ryan says that after a couple of pints this show might be enjoyable. Or something like that, I'm paraphrasing. I was raised to really, really hate St. Patrick's Day and what it stands for, but I don't want to fight about it so we're moving on.

Last week sucked for Jasmine and Jorge, whom the judges simply refused to save. I think at some point I'm going to hate the bait and switch with the Power of Veto, but I still think it's hilarious. "Sing, monkey! Sing like it matters! Oh, but it didn't. Ha!" That's humor. Plus, I heard that they already have the Top 4 decided (Danny, Adam, Lil and Alexis) so the next six weeks are more about watching Megan and Allison dress like a concussed Betty Suarez and Emily the Strange With Boots Made For Kicking, respectively, and sitting on the edge of your chair hoping nothing fucked up happens to Scott on live TV.

As he does with Ryan, Simon has a special relationship with Country music. Simon's like, "I wish instead of two hours it was an entire week of this bullshit," and Ryan randomly goes, "Stand by for the lassooo." Realizing he's just been weird for no damn reason, Ryan moves on: this is the last one before the Top 10, who are again going to be on the tour, which I still haven't gotten around to attending, so make sure to vote because that's a big deal for them.

Tonight, we are celebrating the Grand Ole Opry. What that means is that I'm going to enjoy the songs way more than I think I will, and will more than likely get every single song title and songwriter wrong, because I don't know anything about this and sometimes these people don't enunciate. For example, I had no idea it was a radio show. I'm not sure what I thought it was, like a theme park or something, or a place you can go to somewhere but nobody really knows where, like Austin City Limits or Delaware.

Some Grand Ole People include Hank Williams I, Minnie Pearl, Pasty Cline. Of all of whom I have heard. Garth and Dolly and Loretta and some brunette woman and Clint and a man with a large face, and Randy Travis. And Carrie Underwood, who just got inducted and cried real pretty. I never knew I would fall in love with her so long after she was on this show. Randy Travis is involved in tonight's show in some way, and has had 22 No.1 hits. He used to look like a Sharpei and now looks like a funhouse mirror version of, well, House. I really like his voice, though. It sounds like when you were a little kid.

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American Idol




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