American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Two Inches Or A Yard

Smokey Robinson has been watching the show all along, and agrees that this season is the awesomest, but not in that way where the current season is the best thing ever. I think he actually thinks that. He is a sweet man, I think. He seems really earnest. I wonder when his birthday is... Man, astrology is so dumb because it's always right. Smokey Robinson is on the cusp of Pisces and Aquarius, so he literally is the nicest man out of every 365.25 people. Maybe every day is his best day ever. Simon is smack in the middle of Libra, which makes sense because people always get confused about whether or not he's a dick, or just right.

Ryan and Simon keep getting into this fight that so boring I had to rewind it a hundred times. So I guess on the Tonight Show Simon said that either Diddy or Obama tried to schedule lunch with him, and he blew it off to have lunch with the other one. None of which is true. And I guess that some blogger or something ran with it, so now Ryan has to do the obligatory "let's clear something up," which always irritates Simon, rightfully, and anyway: Whatever you thought happened on the Tonight Show was not what happened, because it was a joke. And it's a small but I think integral moment of personal revolution that I will now refuse to clear up the clearing up business by finding out what the eff they are talking about. Seacrest, you can consider me actively revolting. Just like Speidi.

Ryan calls last night "eclectic," which is an interesting word for what it was, which was sort of so well-done that it was boring (everybody), or so weird and horrible that it should go away post-haste (Sarver and Megan), or Adam who is not in a category of any kind to the point that if you think he is, poof he is not. Unless that category is "Things Smokey Robinson Loves More Than Kittens," of course.

Okay medley time, after a little technical fuckuppery. Allison is dressed like a daycare worker, Megal is dressed like a Farrah Fawcett poster on the garage floor, and Lil is dressed like Nadia Turner's mom. They are lipsynching the shit out of it. Why. Why do we even have to watch this, if there's no chance of a fiery wreck? When does this become Sonny & Cher Variety Hour or whatever? The guys are pretty hard to take running through the medley ("You're All I Need To Get By," "Ain't No Mountain") with really lame toe-touching dance moves, lots of white light, and monochrome footage of Diana Ross and the inside of a building. And I don't know how to spell Berry Gordy, and that word is rubato; and last year I didn't know to spell Berry Gordy or what that word was; and next year I won't know how to spell his name, or what that word means. Lil and Adam get the big solos, and do a great deal with them as usual.

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American Idol




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