American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"We're Not Allowed To Show That!"

The judges tonight -- besides Simon, who's wearing some high-rise jeans -- are dressed like auditioners: the guy one in Mathlete cardigan, Kara wearing an evening dress well before its appointed hour, and Paula wearing the native costume of Those Auditioners That Always Love Paula Too Much: big poofy skirt, giant bow, breastplate, shoes with little Namor wings. Ryan comes bounding down the stairs under a light so bright and so big that it looks like his head has finally gone nova. I can already tell I don't have time for this shit tonight. How long until it's not two hours anymore?

Everybody's over the Influenza B, but not over Alexis' disappearance. You know what? I'm over both. The Judgery say they're not, but they are too. Kara is a little bitchy: "She's a good singer, she just picked some bad songs the last... Few.... Times." Paula and Ryan talk about how cute they look, and then are going on a date. Simon tells her to cram it and get off his man. Paula says she wants the Idols to express their artistic integrity and "switch it up" tonight.

Oh, did I mention it's Motown Night? Because yeah: What they love on this show is when you "switch up" Motown and express your integrity. Adam is probably going to sing "Ain't No Mountain" while riding a pink exploding rocket around the place. Simon's like "Well, these are really good songs, but tonight is going to suck. But you should make it original, but don't. Or not."

The Idols themselves aren't wearing too much in the way of interesting clothing. From the left, there's ... Some guy I don't recognize. Maybe he's going to help out Scott during the group sing? Wait, this is Performances. Who the eff... Oh, dang. It's Adam. That's amazing. He's wearing a fitted suit and looks like he has Stone Butch Blues, but there he is. Next to him is Allison, who obviously is wearing something stupid, or rather sixteen things which are stupid all at the same time. Long-sleeved shrug, utility belt made from ostrich feathers, tights as pants, whatever. I can't look directly at it. Anoop looks stylishly collegiate some more, while Danny's clothing is as nondescript -- and uniformly black -- as his soul.

Matt Giraud's wearing the "Buddy Holly" video as a costume, which is undeniably a hot choice, and Lil is wearing another of those dresses she likes. She seems to have shrunk. Scott is wearing salmon-colored pants with unfortunate fupa, but is cute from the waist up. Matt is wearing too much clothes, Kris has enlisted in the Adorable Army of Diesel, and Megan Joy looks like she's hosting a cocktail party in Chinatown 1965, which is to say dumb but cute, and possibly she is wearing hose that are not any of the usual color legs like to be.

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American Idol




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