American Idol
Top 10: Men

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"I Have My Own Language Too!"

Surprise! It's boy night. I forgot to seek out the rationale but I hope it's juicy. Let's see... Oh, dammit. Crystal's in the hospital! That really worries me, one because I love Crystal against all of my many prejudices, and two because if girlfriend doesn't pull it together in twenty-four hours then we're stuck with Lilly forever and ever. I'm going to say it's mostly the first one, but you and I both know that it's up for debate. I hope she's okay in the long run, obviously, but ASAP would be better for me personally. (Meanwhile Baby Crazy Jacob is in there going, "But I'd be happy to babysit!")

Big Mike, John Park, Casey, Carol Brady, Todrick, Jermaine in a nutty outfit, Andrew in a cool dad outfit, Aaron Kelly's still here, Tim Urban looks bigger all the time, and Lee is going to rock your shit at the end of the night. That is very thrilling. I haven't really gotten into any of the guys yet this year but Casey -- and Lee moreso -- are edging in there.

Ellen is wearing a safari outfit, Kara looks resplendent in Red Carpet red, and Simon's bellybutton says "Cheers." Randy explains to Ryan that it doesn't matter if the boys go first because it's still boys v. boys and girls v. girls. So Randy's on top of things. When asked if she, like Crystal, has avoided ever missing a show (until today), Ellen says she misses American Gladiators and Bewitched. Ironically, the two shows that made me worried I was a lesbian when I was a kid.

I was going to tell a joke about how she probably misses those dogs she gave her stylist that got taken away, but that would involve remembering the time I saw Ellen DeGeneres cry, which I'm not interested in doing because it made me feel like somebody on 'roids took Ryan Seacrest by the ankles and swung him upside my junk. Just awful. Anyway, Ellen never missed a show, even the time that she was in the hospital and did her show in bed with Ryan Seacrest. I will now be doing all my recaps from that location.

Big Mike is a theatre geek, which is his secret from the people in his bouncer life; he played football while attending Fame high school, and then overcompensated that bitch once again by addicting himself to the gym. He can benchpress four Ryan Seacrests, which makes him four times luckier than Teri Hatcher.

In order to No Homo that last, he will be singing the annoying/pointless but dramatic "It's A Man's...n World." This is a really excellent choice because it's not even a song, just a chance to show off your kick-ass vocals if you have them. Which he does. On the downside, how do you not sing this song without sounding like everybody else on earth? This last one, I surmise, Mike has not figured out yet. The song is about how men rule everything but are pointless without ladies, but there's an issue with this sweet/weird sentiment in that there are one million examples of things men do without which our culture would not exist, but mostly women (or a gal!) just need to... Like, be there. Present and accounted for. But then the song switches it up again, and the awesome ending goes, "He's lost in the wilderness/ He's lost in bitterness," which if you're going to go all Camille Paglia on that shit, it's a smart way to end up explaining yourself: That we are not simply sad without women, but that we actually lose the possibility of meaning. Mike does not sing this downer ending, and sticks with the empty romance, and for that we thank him.

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American Idol




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