American Idol
They're All Wasted!

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Joe R: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Don't Raise Your Eye

In the Dawg Pound, Will and Kevin jockey for her attention, even though that's yet another battle Kevin can't win. As we've discussed. Randy hates the song with a fiery passion, because apparently it doesn't reach the melodic heights of Alicia effing Keys, but he tries to mask it. He actually says he hopes she comes out and sings a ballad next time -- which is the complete opposite of what they all told her last week, and I can't stand that crap -- but overall he says he liked the performance. Paula is at least on the ball (I know) and says she prefers Paris singing up-tempo. She's talking to Paris like she's trying to find a bright side, which is odd, because I thought she sang very well. Paula says the song is very difficult to sing, and that Paris made some "interesting" melodic choices that "captured my attention." This is the kind of stuff you'd say to Ryan Hart if you were looking to spare his feelings. "That raptor screeching was…interesting." The maddening part is that Paula's insistence on trying to be "the nice one" is keeping her from actually explaining what she clearly didn't like about the performance. Simon is happy Paris opted for a "younger" song, and he thinks she definitely made the right call there. Vocally, Simon says she was "okay," but she's bubbly and energetic and people love her, so she'll be back next week. This is just the first of many times that Simon will essentially advance the opinion that nothing that actually happens tonight matters, because Melissa and Kinnik are obviously going home. Paris and Ryan cute it up about how she told the other girls that if she was going out, she'd go out dancing. She's so not going out.Lisa thinks America would be surprised to learn that she loved Jimi Hendrix. Not really, since I now firmly believe that she has been reincarnated several times, or else has perhaps experienced a Groundhog Day scenario where she spent years and years learning things like singing and Broadway musicals and electric guitar. Point being: I think Lisa was actually at Woodstock, singing all the songs from Hair. Dudes, she looks so weird playing guitar, like it's a visual effect and neither she, the guitar, nor the music are in the same room as each other. Lisa will be singing "Here's Where I Stand," which was sung by Tiffany Taylor in the movie Camp. Two things, right off the bat: a) Camp is a big ol' mess of a movie, but I really like it and I don't entirely know why; b) this song is lovely and a little boring, and functions in the context of the film to tell you exactly what is going on in the movie at that very second. Lisa also got the "quit acting like an old lady" talk from the judges last week, which is what makes this song choice so hilarious. I love the Lisa mental math: "Hmm, I've sung songs that are both Broadway and boring, and the judges want me to go younger, and all those kids in Camp were really young, so I'll just sing the obvious Broadway knockoff from that. Perfect. It'll be just like that time I sang for Kublai Khan!"

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American Idol

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