American Idol
They're All Wasted!

Episode Report Card
Joe R: C+ | Grade It Now!
Don't Raise Your Eye

Ryan says the upcoming performer "breezed through, like, fourteen of these shows without breaking a sweat." Well, except for the one where he lost and also the one where he was bottom two. It's Bo Bice! Complete with thick, luxurious hair. I know I'm sort of harping on this particular point, but I don't think it can be understated just how ladylike Bo's hair is. It's like he just stepped out of a Pantene Pro-V commercial with Eva Longoria. I don't recall Bo ever looking like this before. Oh, wait. The smile with the effed-up nubby teeth. That's the Bo I know. At least his dental plan is keepin' it real. Ryan talks to Bo about how he's a dad now, which is snark-proof, I suppose. Bo's raising the kid to like all the southern-fried music his dad likes, which kind of makes me hope the kid gets into whatever the 2020 equivalent of trip-hop is going to be. Then he talks about how he and his family had to move out of their place in Alabama because too many creepy stalker fans camped outside his house. Ryan makes a "Will we be voting on your performance?" joke that he and Bo each take in opposite directions.

Bo sings the single and title track from his album, "The Real Thing." I almost recapped this music video in last week's Wednesday recap, but I'm glad I didn't because I get to start fresh here, where he sounds much worse. First of all, the song doesn't suit him at all. I realize it's bullshit to keep bringing up the comparison, a full year later (and it was kind of crap even then), but it sounds like a Constantine song. This is a very generic Train/Goo Goo Dolls tune, and that's not a knock on that kind of music, because you give those bands the right song and it'll be in your head for weeks, but everything about Bo resists that kind of music. Which is maybe why his voice is rebelling during this performance. Flat all over the place, no emotion anywhere, and you can't count the mic stand thing, because that's just muscle memory. Bo's not an artist who should sound better in the studio, but with this tune he does. ["He would also look better there. Jeez, Bo. You sure can 'blow.'" -- Jacob] I keep wishing they'd cut away to a Simon reaction shot, but there's probably a note taped up in the control booth telling them "Under No Circumstances!!" In black magic marker, underlined thrice. Is that a tattoo on Bo's chest? Or perhaps a new type of stigmata I haven't heard of before? By the time he's finished, his hair is sweaty and stringy, so it's more back to normal. Ryan and Bo look like they coordinated so they'd both be wearing black. They probably did, that's how Hollywood Bo is. His inner Gavin DeGraw has been thoroughly defeated. ["Joe R., stop trying to make Bo be anything other than what he's been trying to be lately! Which is: gross! With mysteriously evaporating talent!" -- Jacob]Back from the break, the women have been assembled on the cushy chairs as they await the voting results. Paris has cocker spaniel hair tonight, while Mandisa is sporting a snazzy fedora. Seacrest just jumps right into it. The top row consists of Paris, Katharine, Kellie, and Mandisa. Ryan doesn't even deal with them, that's how obviously safe they are. He starts with Lisa. Randy didn't think she was great, but Simon continued to see her sailing into the finals. She's safe for now. She's super-relieved, but she can't get too wild, because there's another elimination looming. As in previous weeks, your eyes stake out the pattern Ryan's following. He's moving right to left down the couch, and the order going that way is Lisa, Melissa, Ayla, and Kinnik. So it's no surprise at all that Melissa is safe. And now it'll be an Ayla/Kinnik stand-off, right? Not exactly. Ayla gets her judges' scorecard read to her, and she's declared safe. So there's Kinnik, sitting dead in the water. Ryan at least doesn't bother with what she sang or what the judges said. He just tells her she had the lowest votes. She saw it coming, obviously. Ryan brings her to the center of the stage, and she is incredibly classy about making it as far as she has. She says she came out "full-fledged a winner." She's fantastic. Ryan, still gun-shy about asking Paula or Simon anything, lest the menu-related shenanigans return, asks Randy for words of wisdom. Randy tells Kinnik, "Every time you hit the stage, it just needs to be the bomb." Remember that one, kids. It may come up again soon. Ryan tests the waters with Paula, who suggests, "Better song selection next time." You know, next time she's on a televised singing competition where she's slated to go no farther than the final sixteen. When that next time comes, Kinnik will surely be ready. Ryan makes a big show of not even asking Simon anything, so Simon has to interject that it's been nice to know Kinnik. He's not going to be an asshole now, Ryan. That was last week's cafeteria prank. Kinnik sings out with that boring Alicia Keys song. She points up to God during the "if I ain't got you" lyric. Sad thing is, we haven't seen enough of her to know whether that's annoying or not. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Ryan is incredibly sweet afterwards, telling her she looks beautiful, which she completely does. Then he lets her shout out her family, friends, and fans in South Carolina and Georgia. Bye, Kinnik! If you promise not to make me try the chitlins, I'd totally like to hang out!

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American Idol




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