American Idol
The Glitter Rubs Right Off

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Don't Talk Back
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"It's off the chain. Before you hit the clicker, don't be the poser in your shack. Grip the 411 when pimpin' hotties spit the verbage."

See, this is why I'm ambivalent about Fox having a news organ, because on the one hand, it's evil and not real news, but on the other hand, the local Fox affiliate affords us gems like the above. I want to get that shit tattooed on myself so I can refer to it whenever the kids these days talk their crazy slang. Isn't that awesome? I want to meet the person who approved that, and the person that wrote the copy for that ad, and the guy that pitched the idea in the first place, and the news reader who said that shit to me just now -- I want to get all these people together in one room, and then I want to do horrible things to them and make them cry because clearly they're just a titch too pleased with themselves. I'd hit that, in other words. Over and over again.


I know that the synthetic dirt that is now a part of Ryan's jeans is probably really expensive. I read about it in this month's Esquire. He's adorable getting everybody to scream and telling us that "it's all about the singing, but yours is the voice that matters." These poetic interludes send me. He acknowledges that Constantine is gone, and to the booing he relies, "You mean you cared?" because you ought to have voted, I think, is once again the implication. Ryan's like the League of Women Voters for this show. Get out and VOTE!

Paula looks high, Simon looks weird, and then Ryan seems very sincerely proud of them for making it to the final five, and then fakely asks if they are familiar with the songwriting duo Lieber and Stoller, and of course: Scott looks idiotic for a second, Carrie looks insecure and helpful, and Bo knows all about them and can name all their songs. Just in case you forgot who everybody was, here's your fake summary. I swear to you that this show actually is wrestling. The second theme is any song off the Top 40 charts for this week. Anthony is happy about that, you betcha. Lieber and Stoller looked like Ronald Reagan and Richard Kind, and they used to be hot, but now they're old as the hills, if not deceased. Those are pearls that were their songs, et cetera.

A-Fed explains that he will be singing, for his Lieber and Stoller choice, "Poison Ivy," which my uncle John used to sing to me all the time. I thought it was about botanical safety. I think Anthony thinks that. Like a merit badge or something. The thing is that my uncle John is awesome and hilarious, and I know for sure that he just liked singing a song about VD to a tiny child who would never know the difference, and I'd love Anthony so much more if he seemed to enjoy the idea of singing this on American Idol for that reason, but you and I both know he's not giving it that much thought.

He hops around and does the sexy cocky thing but follows it up with a bounce or a giggle, and it's very confusing, because clearly one or the other is an act and maybe the whole point of him is that we'll never know which. What is not confusing, though, is his voice, because his voice is horrible and sounds like total hell. It's the worst performance of the Top Twelve, I think. It's complete ass. He sure is cute, though.

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American Idol




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