American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Lusk! (Real Savage Like)


Lopez, verbatim: "That was some American Idol stuff right there!"

Tyler, verbatim: "I swear to God I saw you dance with the Devil tonight."
Scott's fans: "Oh my God, he did? Well, hang up that phone. We are not voting for witches. Sarah Palin, I'll expect a tweet on this by next week."
Scott, verbatim: "Um, no. I love Jesus?"
Tyler: "Like anything I say means anything whatsoever."

Jackson: "The award tonight for Best Performance Of The Night goes to... EVERYBODY! Whoever is in front of me, they are the American Idol."


Ryan's hair is, once again, fiercely Conan'd. It's such a great thing when he does that. I like when it looks rock-hard, like you could cut crudité on it.

Seacrest: "Steven, you wrote a book?"
Tyler: "Well, somebody did."
Seacrest, setting up the obvious joke: "You've really exposed yourself here."
Randy, awesomely, off-camera: "GROSS!"
Seacrest, going for try number two: "Is there any area you haven't touched?"
Tyler: "[Could legitimately be described as nonsense. Even Ryan looks concerned for a moment, like Steven might be smelling toast. Then Tyler goes into a random British accent.]"

The title of the book is something like, Does The Noise In My Head Bother You? Which is so perfect! Folksy, not actually funny or witty, and centered firmly two inches north of his rectum: Everything we know about Steven Tyler. His problem isn't solipsism, it's like, more serious than that. It's philosophical, not mental. (That too, but this is cosmological.)

It's like that thing, you know, when little kids wonder if possibly this is all an elaborate Jim Carrey joke and we're robots and they're the only ones that are real, and you realize that is a natural thing to wonder about but that also you have less than one split second to intervene before they flip the switch and become a sociopath forever?* Like that, but if you did it wrong -- not all the way one way or the other, but stuck somewhere in the gushy mushy middle -- you'd have Steven Tyler, who honestly thinks we're all just subletting our space in reality until he needs it.

Seacrest: "Congratulations! Later, J. Lo will sing a song, so that's fun, too. And she has a video for another song, so we'll watch that."
(Ryan also excitedly throws Randy a bone by hyping his Bake Sale on the side of the road.)

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American Idol




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