American Idol
Songs From Your Year Of Birth

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Guess That's Why They Call It The Creeps

So since we last talked some shit has happened in Japan. You know how we bombed them that time, and it was the worst thing probably that ever happened on this planet? And it is on us still? Well, what happened next is that nature recently decided to do about sixty awful things at once to top us. So it's real bad. I would say that of the information available to us, I am aware about maybe 5%. I don't feel great about that, I'm just telling you. Compared to Steven Tyler, I cannot feel terrible about that.

Mostly I'm afraid less about my NPR cache and more that the entire archipelago will become untenable and they'll have to move to China, where either they will be victim to weird Chinese shit and then no more Japan -- which sucks because Japan has always been its own little badass planet with the power of 100 bigger countries to create its own culture, history, crazy, etc. -- or it'll be more of a Middle America situation, where China and Japan become one single bad-idea superpower, like a generation from now. Which, in that case, it's pretty much the end of our bullshit entirely. Also kind of sad, in its way.

So luckily Ryan Seacrest and the Judges of American Idol are going to fix that. After a horrible moment where Tyler goes, "There's something wrong in the world today... hey there." I don't have one thing against charity, as you know, but I also don't have much to say about what it takes for a monolith like this or BP to get their asses in gear, because it sounds like I'm bitching when I'm not. The only thing I hate more than apocalypse/conspiracy talk is looking a gift horse in the mouth, even when that horse is owned by Rupert F'ing Murdoch.

Ryan welcomes "officially" the Twelve, and don't you know they're the same kids this week and Lauren Alaina is still here and James Durbin is still twitching and on the far right of the stage is Lusk, which gives me a not-safe feeling frankly, even though as you know I have decided to support him despite being, like literally, everything I usually hate about this show. He's just so nice and he's just so... Doing it.

Jacob Lusk to me is like: You have a urinal, okay. And then Marcel Duchamp comes along and puts that urinal in an art gallery, so now it's art. I'm not like trying metonymically to link Jacob Lusk and urinals, I just can't think of a better example of art: How on one side of the glass you're like, "This is barf" and on the other side you're like, "China Chow, you are right, Jackson Pollock is a genius. Thanks for explaining it. Now I can marry Jerry Stahl like we all assumed would happen." You know? I don't think Rothko is art in any way, it's not earned, but I do like looking at his paintings, so who's the asshole. Usually it is me. Same deal with Jacob Lusk: I hate absolutely everything he does and what he is about, from what I can tell, but damn if he doesn't get it just under the wire.

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American Idol




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