American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
I Would Do Anything For Love Including That, To Be Honest

Ryan asks Simon why he doesn't just pick the songs themselves, since Simon "always" bitches about song choice -- which isn't true, that's usually Paula or Randy since they have usually no thoughts in their heads -- and Simon says maybe he will, and they can have Simon Cowell Week on American Idol. But please: just like when you asked your parents why there's Mother's Day and Father's Day but no Children's Day and they said everyday is Children's Day, that is why there will never be Simon Cowell Week on this show. Although four hours of this crap is sort of like the same thing.

It's not just me, is it? The girls are really hard to tell apart this year? So Von Smith still looks like a child from a Molly Ringwald movie, Taylor is wearing the delightful sack dress/shiny pants combo that can't help but make you sick to look at, Alex is here to help you with your geometry proofs, Arianna has not one breast but two, Ju'Not is smarmy and looks like the uncle on a sitcom, Kristen is one Five Hour Energy drink away from beating her family members up on Springer if that show's even still on, Nathaniel is a little piece of hell right here on earth, Felicia has some hips and a shiny shirt to show them off. This is where I will crack, I can feel it: right here at around the 90-minute mark, right before Scott, who holds hands with dudes like some kind of homo, Kendall who has an herbal garden centerpiece attached to herself, Jorge's face still pissing me off, and Lil Rounds who will be singing last because that's how it was written over two hundred years ago in the Book of Duh.

Von's like, "Can you believe my indulgent nonsense? I should stop screaming at America. I realize that. But will I? Let's see." He talks about showing a "real," a "better" Von, and to that end begins Marvin Gaye's "You're All I Need To Get By" in a much lower register. As in, a scary phone porno "Who needs the bar scene/I like to talk to gay singles in my area" lower register. I like. What I can't believe is that Von Smith is nervous, with which gene I didn't think he was born, and it's throwing off his pitch. And it occurs to me that I don't know jackshit about Von Smith except that I want to put my mouth on his cartoon mouth, and all the rest is just like this personal mythology I made up so I wouldn't have to feel creepster about that. But he was on YouTube, right? He was one of the ones that was on YouTube, which means instant talent. His mouth is as large as Paula Abdul's head, which is also cool. Or was he one of those kids Rosie O'Donnell is always trying to abduct?

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American Idol




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