American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"It's Steven Tyler meets Fall Out Boy meets Robert Pattinson!"

"Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer and a comedian?" (Um, AA? The Manhole? I give.) "...All on the verge of stardom?" Ah. This must be American Idol. He tells us about Alexis, Sarver and Gokey, and they clap for themselves; he tells us about the judges and they clap for themselves. Paula looks like she's wearing a Russ Meyer wig. It's nice. Simon winks and Ryan, and Randy talks nonsense as usual; Kara smugly explains that there are no second chances, and song choice is important. Paula agrees with that ever-so-fresh suggestion, and Ryan needles Simon about needing flattering lighting. Simon says he has no advice for the herd this week, because it's too late to worry about it, because they're about to sing. Randy says something dumb and Ryan's like, "Totally, Randy."

Here they are: Jasmine in a Pink Lady jacket, Dueling Piano Matt with dueling piano airguns, Jeanine whom I don't recognize, "Nick" making creepy Phantom Of The Paradise moves at the camera, Allison with the red hair, Kris that cute guy we never saw, Megan "Joy" Corkrey wearing a pregnancy dress with white fuzzy dice, Bear Porn Matt, Jesse Langseth looking like she's coming for Bella Swan at the Prom, Kai's horrible Snoopy-Ears hair, the suddenly frightening Mishavonna, and the always frightening Adam Lambert with a fake tan and thirty necklaces working it like they're storming Kiamo Ko and the rent is due.

Jasmine remembers screaming with the fam at the audition, watching with her awesome mom in the other room, and how she outshone Rose and Bikini Kill in Hollywood. She'll be singing "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles, a song I don't want to love but always do. It's like this perfect mix of Songwriter 101 Vanessa Branch DioGuardi stuff and the old version of that, which lies somewhere on the Billy Idol/Joe Jackson spectrum. Her voice is nervous and relies overmuch on learned technique without the power behind it, but once she hits the chorus she sounds almost awesome. There's a lack of experience with the mic, maybe? I don't know. Her voice has all the qualities and appurtenances of beauty as we know it, and we've heard the girl sing a bunch of times. It's weird, and sort of shouty, like midway between Jordin and those angry singer-ah characterz-ah that Maya Rudolph used to play.

Randy notes first that she is: kicking off the second round, from Mississippi yo, both good and bad, pitchy, not Rihanna, and maybe chose wrong. Kara says she's young and commercial, but started way too low and picked a weird song. She agrees that there were moments, but it was not good. Paula says she wants to disagree, but cannot, and then says one of those Paula things that's actually totally true and insightful, but is expressed so weirdly that it's highly doubtful Jasmine understands her. Actually, it's doubtful Paula herself would get it if you played this back for her tomorrow, but I totally agree: "You try you know you really gave it your all in trying to change the song in making it an interpreting your version of it but you sang all around it and it caused you to go off-pitch." Which is exactly right, if you said it in English.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

American Idol




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP