American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Every Little Thing She Does Is Tragic! Tragic! Tragic!

We're live, for some reason. Ryan seems to think it's a big deal, even though his vamps tend to get wobbly when we're live for too long a stretch (as we shall see). He also seems to think that, given Kara's presence, the judges' table is starting to resemble The View, which brings to mind nothing so much as the ass-horrible concept of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Randy Jackson having a conversation. Can you imagine? That's like your ears' version of Hellraiser. "Yo well I don't think so much as dawg it was a'ight." "I don't how you can say that because marriage and thing." "That's pitchy for me I don't know just sharp in places you know just." "I just think God and babies, also my sweater."

And honestly, having seen the whole thing at this point, damn. I think I would actually rather watch that. What a listless, pointless, meaningless, toothless, feckless, dickless, thoughtless, unprofessional piece of crap this episode is. From the production -- two hours of bumped cameras, fucked mics, random Spaghetti Cat phantom stills, Randy Jackson attempting to both think and speak in full sentences for the first time in his goddamn life, and spazzy contestants stepping all over my Ryan's lines with weird double entendres, it was pretty much like being on the receiving end of a two-hour visit from Alex and the Droogs. And not in the fun way.

Anyway, there's talk about Kara's nerves and Ryan promises to break her in easy, and she manages to ignore that shit somehow, but then Paula gets into the act about how Kara's not only been at the table, but also under it, and Ryan tells them to quit. Kara suggests that the people not worry about it, and Paula advises, "You know what this is all your dream right you gotta hit that center stage and make magic happen in a minute and twenty seconds and if you don't look to the right look to the left whoever's better you're gonna go home it's a tough tough type of a season this year." Ryan's like, "Good point." Simon points out that they're all fucked because of how it's going on, and then they all talk about how Ryan's hair is darker and shorter this tough tough type of a season this year, and Simon says he's getting Single White Femaled, and then not to be undone by a total lack of actual insult, Ryan calls Simon the Silver Fox.

Up the stairs and looking spry: the disgusting Jackie Tohn, heretofore invisible and soon to be forgotten Ricky Braddy with balding fauxhawk and too much chest and a bland smile, Alexis Grace looking like she's a flapper and it's Halloween, Brent Keith being the immature Pokémon form of Michael Sarver's sex on a stick some more, Stevie Wright putting her giant face in your face, Anoop Anooping it up, the darling and skeletal Casey Carlson, Michael Sarver making you go cross-eyed, Ann Marie Boskovich looking like a debutante's MILF, Stephen Fowler making a seriously stoned face, the complete lack of positive qualities that constitutes Tatiana's entire bullshitty black hole of a personality, and Danny Gokey's object demonstration of what would happen if they put Archuleta's "personality" in David Cook's body.

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American Idol




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