American Idol
Season Seven: Top 10 Performances

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Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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The Year You Were Awful

What was that t-shirt line in like 1990, early '80s, a goofy face with Tintin hair that went straight up? It was a line drawing that looked kind of like Doug. I never figured it out. I remember seeing Ellen wearing it so I thought it had to do with LA. Any case, Ryan's hair is looking more and more shellacked into that hair every week. Usually I want to pat him on the head but lately? Not without some kind of bleach-infused baby wipe or something handy. Also, Paula Abdul is wearing long black gloves and looks like a bad guy from Masters Of The Universe.

The theme is The Year You Were Born. I remember this from last year and I said it would be "Magnet & Steel." I stand by that. In fact, on Saturday without even knowing or caring about this week's theme, I sang it to myself for my birthday. Ramiele was a troublemaker of a kid, and a biter. Cool. After she turned three, her mom tells us, she got her shit together and started singing karaoke. Then she and her mom both say debut the Pinoi way, "deboo," and settling a long-standing argument between me and my friend the Stove about whether or not that was a Filipino thing, a Canadian thing, or a Degrassi thing where the actors on Degrassi just don't know how to say it. (Shout-out to my girl Duana Taha! Represent!) Obviously it is the first one, but you can't tell Stove anything. I wonder if Ramiele also took a drug dealer to her debut and later fake-married him even though he caused a school shooting and gave everybody throat gonorrhea and made a teenage father kill himself and dated lesbians, like on that very awesome show. And if so, I wonder if she can introduce me to Spinner and Paige, the two secret loves of my entire life.

Sadly, none of the above, but she sure can take a crap all over "Alone," last seen proving Carrie Underwood's worth on a stage much like this one, only smaller and not a space rocket. Her voice is thin at the beginning, not like she's starting at the bottom but more like she's nervous or not feeling it, and then the band comes in and it's not that great, and then she just kind of screams, and then she clashes with the backup singers, and then screeches and sounds like shit some more. Check out how Paula's totally going to say how cute she looks, first thing. And I mean, she's pretty cute but she's not looking particularly cute tonight.

Randy laughs nervously and notes that she is ill, and he is ill, but that doesn't excuse her awful perf...I mean, hold up. Because Paula looks easily fifty times spookier and crazier and stupider than ever before. I'm talking silver mesh one-shoulder top, long black gloves, weird battle pony, and her makeup is like, her makeup...she looks mentally ill, like someone has been hitting her in the face. She also seems to be ill physically. One "big voice/tiny girl" later, and then Simon's like, "It wasn't as bad as Randy said." It was worse, Simon. Come on. He tells her that the shrieking was pretty bad, but then, she was totally appalling last week too and got through it, so whatever. Ramiele smiles like that was a compliment, because she is sick and doesn't know what the hell is going on. Randy says that Simon is going to understand how totally crap it was, after the fact, but can't co-sign Simon's statement that at least it wasn't as bad as last week. Ramiele baby-talks and it's stupid and let's do this already.

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American Idol

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