American Idol
Season 7: Top 7 Results

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Season 7: Top 7 Results

Ryan's fauxhawk is now so pointy that you could use it to split kindling. Is this like some kind of tanorexic thing where each night he bugs the people to put just a little more gel in there for some reason? He's starting to look like one of those disco superheroes from the '70s. "From the thousands who auditioned," of course, we're down to seven. I'm actually kind of worried. I hated everybody I like and liked everybody I hate last night. With David Cook, this is nothing new. But Syesha? That's unconscionable. At least KLC didn't do it for me this week. I was thinking of going in to have my head sharpened. I was going to ask orange Ryan for a referral.

Mariah Carey is here, that's good, and Elliot Yamin, which is not that exciting, and Ryan's taking calls, which is awful. Simon winks at Ryan and we're into the group song, "One Sweet Day." A song I don't know very well. Jason continues to bloom, of all things, in the week of Mariah, then kicks it to the Colonel, whose tone sounds as good as it ever has. Oh, this is one of those creepy "dead people watch you from the sky" songs, I hate those. You know what else is creepy? David Cook singing to me about dead people with that creepy stalker face on his face.

Brooke seems broken, but she's been that way for awhile; I feel guilty for wanting to leave whenever Archuleta sings these days. Carly has tried this alien concept of "sleeves" and found it lacking, so we're back to those awful tattoos. David Cook and Syesha are so interested in impressing you that they completely leave the actual song behind, which is annoying, and then everybody gets very breathy at then end. I still feel like I haven't heard this song. Either Courtney Love got really fat or else Jessica Sierra got really fat but either way she's down in the audience.

Ryan points out the motherfuck who wrote "This Is My Now," and so excited is the crowd to find out who's going home that they forget to beat his ass into the ground. He looks like a nice chap, kind of Augusten Burroughsy, with an argyle cardigan. Not even argyle will save you from my wrath, chucker.

Carly makes hideous faces in the reminder video, with Mariah telling the kids about how she's just like a normal person, only totally abnormal. David Cook was smarmy some more, remember? David Archuleta was like, "Good things sometimes/ Miracles sometimes/ Don't use guns/ Little puppies licking your face/ Birthday parties" or whatever. Carly sang the suicide song from that movie and Simon was not impressed. KLC was almost as good as she has been lately, but at least she did the hilarious arm thing again. Brooke continued to be a bitter disappointment, and I wish they would just send her home before her spirit is permanently crushed altogether. (She tells us backstage that it actually is as painful as it seems to get panned by Cowell.) Syesha was the best she's ever been, Ryan was annoying, Jason was way awesome, David Cook was freaking awesome and will be ten times better on the studio cut but is still a chump. Man, that was like the best night in so long. I'm so glad I watched it. Mariah, too, was impressed.

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American Idol

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