American Idol
Season 7: Top 6 Performances

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A- | Grade It Now!
The Muuuuuusic Of Your Nightmares

Who will rise to the challenge of singing awful Andrew Lloyd Webber songs, wonders Ryan. I can't help but think that the answer is nobody. I know I've been complaining about getting shit episodes, but the thing is, I hate this music so much that it might turn all the way back around to awesome. Let us see.

It's Earth Day, so in four weeks the finale will have Green Power. In other news, the band is enhugened because Andrew Lloyd Webber is vulgar. Ryan conducts a second of orchestra, and then shows us Paula looking adorable and Simon grinning coquettishly at Ryan. Ryan tries to conduct the screaming idiots in the crowd with his conductor stick, but they don't get the joke, because the crowd on this show never gets the joke, because if they did they would run screaming from the Kodak and into the street.

The "Jesus Christ Superstar" song plays us into the video about ALW, lending us proper pomp and circumstance as we learn some history of a horrible man. I have no idea if he's horrible. He just looks old and British and his nasty smarmy-ass grin is very David Cook. He has apparently "transformed" the "theatre" -- which Ryan pronounces awesomely, with a slight Britty flourish -- as we know it. Actually, it's wise to play this song because that's the only musical I personally can handle, and I love it very much, so it's smart to put that up front.

When ALW was small, he was very cute. He was born in South Kensington and started composing at nine. By 17 he looked like a monstrous dead creature, and it stayed that way. One of the more awful things he has done to the world is called Phantom Of The Opera, or as Ryan calls it, because he is a homosexual on a first-name basis with crappy musical theatre, just "Phantom." ALW tells the Idols that he is their servant while he's mentoring. On the day that David Cook met Andrew Lloyd Webber, I must say he looked mighty fine.

Ryan asks Randy, from a producer's point of view, how hard this is going to be. For all of us. The answer is way harsh. Paula babbles about some nothing for awhile, but everybody agrees that this is a horrible idea that will make the show, the crew and all the contestants look hideous. Ryan then takes umbrage with Simon for describing things pejoratively as "Broadway," so how do we justify this little trip through hell? Simon's like, "That is a bitch, I admit it."

Now, because it is bitter and because it is my heart, I have enlisted my HSBFF Will to give us some background on this crap. He is a theatre genius and I love him dearly. Take his word as gospel. All the memories of any kind of musical theatre besides Jesus Christ Superstar knocking around in my brain, and lots that I have long since sacrificed to drugs, come from Will. I still have his joke DVD of the Hasselhoff Jekyll & Hyde because it is the definition of OMG. I can remember this conversation vividly in particular from sophomore year:

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American Idol




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