American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
She Was, She Went

Ryan is all, "You know more about these contestants than any other season," and I was confused by what he meant until they got to David Cook, and then I remembered how, sometimes if you love David Cook, maybe it makes things a little more passionate for you, and knowing all there is to know about David Cook starts to seem like the normal thing, so when somebody doesn't know some ridiculously obvious thing -- such as how having the AC/DC logo stitched to his cheesy rocker jacket doesn't actually mean AC/DC but is only the half that spells "AC," who is of course David's brother, who is of course suffering a terrible illness, which of course explains events from last week and the week before -- can start to look like not only an idiot, but maybe the enemy, and you have to write furious profanity-laden emails, maybe, to the person apprising them of these facts that presumably everyone who's anyone already knows, and maybe a certain number of these emails, in a given 12-hour period, all kind of blend together, and show the person once and for all that the real story is that David Cook is the new fucking Clay Aiken, and will thus win, and that's what Ryan's trying to say. In which case, and additional to the off-center hair-point making a reappearance, well, I love Ryan.

Tonight, Paula Abdul is dressed like a creepy little baby. Jason nasally smarms his way through the first few lines of "Cracklin' Rosie," while David makes stupid faces, then Archuleta also sings way too low, and then on the chorus they all sing way too low. All five of them? Somebody is going to scream their stupid ass off at some point, then. David Cook kind of takes over the whole thing, voice still too low. Then the ladies sing "Song Sung Blue" also way too low. Brooke looks like she's got a machine gun to her head. The fuck are they singing so low for? How much screaming will there be? They all sound like hell, I can't even hear this part of the song to recognize it. Oh, there's Archuleta singing in a human area of the song: It's the "Brother Love" song. And David Cook does the whole "brothers and sistahs" part and acts irritating and gross, and then...the song is over. So it was transposed down to South America for what exactly?

Constantine! Automatic bleep-bloop, Gina Glocksen babbling dumbly, Ryan ignoring Ace, then Neil Diamond tells us that these kids are tops and not, in fact, average. He would like them to stick with it. Except maybe Brooke, who could by killed by it. Brooke was nuts, David was pretty good, Jason was a sweetie-pie, Syesha was fine, and Archuleta has no idea what's going on at this point. Then Syesha was fabulous and deserves to be here, Brooke was totally awesome and doesn't anymore, Jason did the same song with different words and was kind of gross, and Archuleta sealed his fate by being hideous. Oh, and David Cook yet again was the best. Neil says he was impressed with both the talent and the poise of them. Except, again, Brooke who used to be poised and is becoming a latter-day jellyfish.

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American Idol




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