American Idol

Episode Report Card
Joe R: B- | Grade It Now!
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The pristine silence that Ryan Seacrest usually enjoys during his pre-credits intro is spoiled by the Archuleta fans in the pit, who have obviously been given extra sugar this week because they have been extra special annoying and haven't once shut up in 24 hours. This is me hoping they'll all have to cry bitter tears this week or next.

The audience is full of Season 7 castoffs and glamourpuss Broadway producers as Ryan welcomes us back and introduces the judges. Ryan brags that the Top 3 elimination is historically the most soul-scarring, even though I don't really remember that ever being the case. I'm pretty sure Nikki McKibbin and Vonzell and Jasmine and whoever else knew they were toast. Melinda, sure, but you know I don't like to talk about that. Then Ryan makes a joke about Paula's monster cleavage and tells us that Fantasia will be here tonight.

The Top 3 group sing is to "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now," which is, of course, painfully false for 33% of the people singing it. The insane choreography is largely absent, though it's made up for by an extended trip into the audience. The backup singers carry the weight for about 90% of the song, and Syesha continues her trend of looking more and more gorgeous every time we see her. Like, after another couple commercial breaks, she'll be even hotter. Crazy. The poor beautiful girl is left to sing in the crowd while the Davids head back to the stage, which means she suddenly has a lot of backs turned to her, because they're the show, and unfortunately, she's not. After yesterday's recap from Jacob I'm starting to feel territorial, so I am compelled to note that David Cook is looking awfully fine right about now. So weird how that happened.

After the break, the pimpmercial video is for that song "Heaven" by (I think) that band whose name sounds like Los Lobos. You know, Bo sang it in his season? Yes, I could probably look it up, but then the song wins. The video is all about the glamorous futures that lay before these three, but since I don't see the third lead in the Legally Blonde musical anywhere on my screen, I'm thinking we're being a bit optimistic. David Archuleta's champagne fantasy, I should note, looks almost exactly like Happy Gilmore's, minus Julie Bowen in a teddy with twin pitchers of beer. Weirdly enough, everyone's fantasy involves one to three Ford motor vehicles. How odd.

Recap of last night: David A. washing all the feeling out of "And So It Goes," Syesha rocking the very most one can possibly rock an Alicia Keys song, and David C. doing Roberta Flack and being kind of boring. Then David A. was as trainwrecky as he's ever been on the three words he remembered from that Chris Brown song, Syesha was utterly predictable on "Fever," a song that long ago lost its ability to be unpredictable, and David C. left his critics much room to snicker with some Switchfoot. Finally, David A. sang the world's most David A. song that didn't come from a cartoon, Syesha discovered that, whatever she's going to be after this show, the next Rihanna is not it, and David Cook was swallowed whole by the one thousand musical instruments necessary to properly perform "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing," the greatest single thing the world has ever produced.

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American Idol




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