American Idol
Season 7: Top 24 Results

Episode Report Card
Joe R: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Last Hired, First Fired

Despite how crowded the Idol stage is (24 people all at once never stops looking like way too many), I'm still fairly certain that this one hour results show will be padded out to Jesus. One of the surprisingly numerous reasons I'm kind of digging American Idol Rewind, which manages to shove the entire results show into, like, the last seven minutes. Also, have you guys seen that Josh Gracin guy? The carnival of bullshit around that guy, I swear to God.

Anyway, the Top 24 have done their best to dress up like Mods in honor of the stupid damn '60s theme, with Overmyer looking more like a real girl and less like Rayanne's mom on My So-Called Life. Carly's also working the kind of demi-beehive that really should have been left to Ramiele, given the Dusty Springfield thing. Or else Carly should have just sang Dusty herself instead of goddamn Stevie Wonder. But now who's padding things out?

Ryan tells us how many votes there were (some number, doesn't matter) and introduces the judges (really doesn't matter). Ryan attempts to make another futile gesture to get the internet to shut the fuck up already by bringing up the SCANDALE of how so many of this year's contestants have experience on a stage. Unlike past off-the-turnip-truck contestants like Tamyra Gray, Kelly Clarkson, Bo Bice, Constantine, Taylor Hicks, Lisa Tucker, Jordin Sparks, Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London, Josh Gracin, Diana DeGarmo, Nadia Turner, Chris Daughtry, Blake Lewis, Elliott Yamin, Justin Guarini, and Melinda Doolittle, who had never even heard of a stage before they accidentally lined up for an American Idol audition on their way to the grocery store. Paula gives the two prepared answers she's supposed to, one being that everyone had to audition same as everyone else (true as that may be, it'll never convince the tin-foil-hatters), and two being that if you're at all serious about being a star in the music industry and you haven't attempted anything else before going on this show then you don't deserve our consideration anyway. She doesn't even mention the fact that we, as people who choose to watch this show, are maybe better off not having to watch 24 kids who don't know thing one about performing stand around on stage for two hours at a clip. Stupidest "controversy" yet, I swear to God. Paula names some more former contestants who used to have record deals including, hilariously, "Brandon Davis." Jacob! She's listening!

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American Idol

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