American Idol
Season 7: Top 16 Boys

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Vote For Luke! Before He Go-Go!

Ryan bops only the elderly Australian shoulder of Michael as he ignores the rest of the boys on his way down the stair. Randy is wearing an airbrushed shirt that looks like Kimora Lee Simmons barfed on it, Paula has mom hair, and Simon is wearing light grey. Ryan asks each of the boys about their most embarrassing moments. Besides being on that show American Idol, I guess.

Luke! Menard's moment is the time his sister dressed him up like a ballerina and took pictures of it, which we see. God, that's embarrassing. You'd really have to question your masculinity twenty years later if something like that happened to you -- perhaps by wearing, as Luke! is in the video, olive drab military clothes whenever you discuss it. Probably you would go way too far in overcompensating for that moment by like never talking about it and only singing the most macho songs you can think of. Probably that's what you would do, if that was your most embarrassing moment.

Especially if the one criticism that you've gotten every week, Luke!, is that you are an insubstantial girlyman whose preternatural prettiness is like this Gorgon that gives all dudes who look at you gay panic. Probably, if the sum total of things that the public knows about you are that you are pretty to an uncomfortable degree, can't sing as such, and that we've seen you in a tutu and barrettes, you'd head over to the rocker side of the fence at least once before you go-go. Because if not, well, you'll have let us down, and we will have to give you up. Even if, as you say, you would really, really love to stick around.

So: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," by Wham! The gayest song in the universe by the gayest band in the universe. Choose Life, Luke! But he doesn't choose Life. I think he's one of those dudes who is so whatever about that stuff, and so generally cheesy about everything, that, like...whatevs. There is no way that this will not be excruciating, so unless you're going to fast-forward past it, like, you are getting what you asked for. Giant smiles, thin awful voice, wonky bullshitty phrasing, an inability to "hit that high" just at the moment that he is declaring his desire to "hit" said "high," TWICE. Twice, that happens. Sad and gormless and dickless and silly and weak and very pretty to look at. But it's Luke! Menard: you knew what was going to happen before it happened.

Randy knows that Luke! sucks and explains how and when and where he sucked. Paula: notes that the song choice was horrible, says she once choreographed a George Michael tour, thinks Luke! is hot, and babbles until Simon tells her to shut up. Simon hated it, calls it "weak" and "girly," and gives him not a chance to win, much less make it through this week. Paula disagrees for no reason; Luke! tells Ryan that he chose the awful song because it's fun. Because that's what Luke! thinks of as fun. Which I don't doubt. He is a nice boy, a kind boy, a future husband of a boy, but one thing Luke! doesn't have is: any idea at all. Picture Luke at a wedding reception or whatever, and they start playing "YMCA." You and I both know that beautiful face lights up like Christmas, and that's...all there is to Luke! Menard. Do I like him? Yes. If he were my cousin, he would be my very favorite cousin. But sadly, this is not America's Next Top Cousin.

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American Idol




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