American Idol
Season 7: Top 12

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Sometimes We Cannot Work It Out

I think that Ryan Seacrest is on drugs tonight. I'm totally serious. His eyes look dead and scary. He's also got severely fauxhawked hair which was compared, insightfully, to Tintin. The new intro includes a bunch of faceless people with real genders, though, and that's exciting; the new stage is kind of amazingly overdone, with lights and thousands of stagelets and buttresses and areas all over the place. Ryan describes the area before the stage as a "mosh pit." I want to see motherfuckers moshing to the songs on this show. Like you could be singing Josh Groban or some shit and look down and it's just a heaving mass of sweaty violent bodies hurling themselves into chaos and the fray. How nice.

Ryan shows us the Top 12, in case we forgot why we're here. I see that makeovers are still coming, because David Cook and Amanda both still look like that. Ryan gives us the rundown on the Beatles, specifically John and Paul, to the point that I don't think anybody is going to say the word "Beatles" all night, which is just so Idol it's ridiculous. Every time anybody says "Liverpool," drink. I think that before this show started, somebody said "Liverpool" in front of Ryan and the judges many times, because check this out.

Ryan: Earlier I used the word "enduring." How come?
Randy: "These boys put it down, dude. These songs are...all true copyrights, meaning that they will last forever."
Jacob: The...fuck does that mean? Rewind it, please.
Paula: Well these songs are full of melody and I you sang the song straight it pays great tribute but for those who are going to take the risk it better be worth the reward and I think some of them can change it up.
Simon: I don't want to be here, and I hate Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan: I kind of like being abused by Simon Cowell. I don't have feelings anymore.

Syesha Mercado goes on and on about nothing, nothing, nothing at all, and will be singing "Got To Get You Into My Life" in the hopes that she will spontaneously generate a personality out of nowhere. Like how in olden times they thought if you put like a sweater and some wheat or other grain in a barrel and left it, that's the recipe for how you make mice. And that's pretty much what she does: toss a crazy brass section and some terrible off notes and a pretty total lack of charisma in the barrel, and then just walks away from it and hopes that one day there will be mice. Randy asks if that boring shit was Earth Wind & Fire, and it was. So now she needs to apologize to two true copyrights. Paula: "You're very very good singer and it was it started off pitch I am confused but midway through you found your zone and then it's like there's Syesha." Too true. Simon, weirdly, totally freaking loved it, but thinks she looked nervous and sucked less this week. Syesha responds by giggling and shaking like a Chihuahua and looks like Emily Rose, or else she's having a petit mal seizure, and then tells Ryan she likes the new stage.

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American Idol

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