American Idol
Season 7 Idol Gives Back: Results

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Season 7 Idol Gives Back: Results

Last night, we "put all the competition on hold" in "the name of good," but now it's time to let these poor kids stop freaking out. I love how Ryan still believes in Giving Back. I have that saved on DVR and I'm going to watch it after this weecap. I think that I will love it. Also, I am sorry I've been so grumpy, but it's not my fault the last two weeks of this show have been absolutely abhorrent. Thanks for the well-wishes and general concern about my mood. Ten days 'til Gossip Girl comes back and I regain my Cylon/Waldorf equilibrium, such as it is.

Also last night, we raised over $60M which is cool, and learned many secrets: Randy played the guitar in a very special way, only Robin Williams is more disgusting than Ben Stiller, Teri Hatcher has a pretty voice, Jimmy Kimmell is totally hot and I don't care who knows it, Miley Cyrus makes me feel Punk'd, Carrie sang my favorite George Michael song, Annie Lennox and that lady with Brad Pitt are magic, and apparently so is Jesus.

So we get to hear the Jesus song again, and have those awesome conversations like "As a non-Christian, I am offended about something" and "as a Christian, I am offended more than you are" and "as a bystander, I am offended in this whole other unrelated way." Which I know we all enjoy. Never having heard this song until right this second as my little fingers are typing about it, I don't know. I'm offended by how it's shitty. I don't want to speak for Jesus, but my understanding about His iPod is that it's mostly 10,000 Maniacs, sound clips from The Big Lebowski, The Wizard Of Ahhs by Black Kids, and The Virgins' debut album (particularly "Rich Girls," even though he thinks they ripped him off on the lyrics). People who rock on this performance of it are David Cook and Carly, which is nice.

Zack & Cody, so now we know what they look like, and it's actually Mary Kate & Ashley that they look like. Then all the fools of Hollywood singing "I'm A Believer," like so: that awful gay stereotype guy from S&TC plus Michael Chiklis, Selma Blair's regrettable haircut plus pretty blonde girls dancing in a way that makes nobody look good, Eddie Izzard in man-drag, fucking Rob Schneider plus a blonde doing Tae Bo, a blonde girl making an ugly face with her boobs out, a strange man that looks like a CGI creature, Selma looking puffy, Zack and Cody being awful, Kylie!, generally if I don't recognize somebody they're the Pussycat Dolls so I'm gonna say: Pussycat Dolls, Dr. Effin' Phil, Ricki Lake looking hot, Rachael Ray needing to get punched in the face, a basketball player with stuff stuck to his face, the same blonde girl or maybe they are all the same blonde girl or it is the Pussycat Dolls again, a woman who is possibly Baby Spice having an exorcism, a lady who might be the wife on that excruciating show about the awful man who has to do with Seinfeld, that gay-adjacent BBW from The Practice who's always around whenever charity happens, Rachael Ray still asking for it, Cheryl Something might be the name of the wife lady, why is this not just Kylie Minogue for twenty minutes, possibly a Real Housewife from Somewhere or Something, 300 liters of Botox all over the place plus some boots, a basketball man from the very purple Lakers which is I believe an American team, Rachael Ray has got to know on some level how off-putting she is, some more people with plastic surgery, Ryan being simply wonderful and practically perfect in every way, people who are not Kyra Sedgwick or Eva Longoria, what on Earth has happened to Selma Blair, people in desperate need of attention for real, more surgery, Ricki Lake looking seriously hot some more, dorks to the Todd Oldham level of dorkiness possibly including Todd Oldham, a scary drag queen, that was awful, I am no longer a believer. The episode has got to be like three-quarters over by now, right?

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American Idol




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