American Idol

Episode Report Card
Joe R: A- | Grade It Now!
The David We Deserve

In three seasons of recapping this insane circus of a show, this is my first time covering the ultimate circus that is the grand finale. I'm very curious to see how this will go! Not in a Cook v. Archuleta way (though I have managed to work up something of a stake in the outcome), but in a "Will Prince show up and sing that 'I Am Your Brother' song to Simon?" way. The auspicious way they open the show -- Cook and Archuleta, dressed in white, facing each other in some kind of staring contest on a darkened stage -- makes me think we may have the most gaudy, insane finale yet. Fingers crossed.

Ryan greets the crowd, which includes the ever-available Holly Robinson Peete and the Poor Man's Carol Potter (...yikes) Lori Loughlin, and runs through the usual "biggest, bestest, most finalest results show EVER" stuff. He says that there were more votes cast last night than the populations of Canada, Spain, Portugual, Pakistan, Liberia, and the Federated States of Miconesia, like that says something good about the crazy a-holes who vote for this show. He also breaks down the voting percentage margin as 56-44, which doesn't tell me as much as I thought it might. He introduces the judges, two of whom are decked out in Coca-Cola red while the other is in black. Guess. Randy's also rocking an ascot, which I guess is in memory of Michael Johns, so he must be one of those people. I do not understand those people.

Anyway, they hauled Mikalah Gordon out of Tyra's mothballs so she could "report" on the crazy David Cook rally in Kansas City. She's dressed up like Beyonce playing Cleopatra. People scream. Then Matt Rogers (whose season I didn't watch, so I have no opinion on him besides that he seems to really want to be on the show, like, all the time) "reports" from Salt Lake City, where all of Rulon Jeffs's wives scream their asses off for David Archuleta. Matt Rogers appears to be flirting with a heart attack. Stay tuned!

Then it really gets going, with the Top 12 singing while the So You Think You Can Dancers dance. See, now that I've actually caught some of the reruns of that show, I can recognize them and squeal appropriately. No, I'm kidding, I totally wouldn't -- PASHA! YEAH! The Idols sing, I guess, and everybody's dressed in white but LAUREN!! You've heard "Get Ready" before, so I don't really have to explain much. I should point out that Janice Dickinson is in the audience, blowing kisses to the stage and shouting "I Love You!" And, look, I know I joked all season about various people kidnapping David A. and raising him as their own and how much better that would be for him, but seriously, somebody better take him backstage and lock him in his dressing room. If Janice is still the same Top Model judge with whose opinion I unwaveringly agreed, she's probably just screeching at Pasha, but better safe than sorry.

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American Idol




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