American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Shaken Up In Vegas

Crystal, Lee and Casey were predictably excellent; Katie and Tim are safe as ever; Siobhan and Big Mike continued to flirt with disaster; Andrew and Aaron were muchly terrible; Simon is so over this shit he's the ghost of a total stranger, which has allowed him to become sweet and insightful instead of the bitter bitch Americans demand from their taskmasters; Kara is uncomfortable with Ellen's sexuality but mostly hates women; Ellen and Randy played pattycake most of the night; Ryan and Adam did everything they could to fuel the unlikely rumors that they are doing it; Jane Lynch is a sex god and that's what you missed on American Idol.

So last night Ryan kept talking about Vegas and every time he said it my brain bleeped over it because Vegas is disgusting and my mind won't tolerate it. And then more of that tonight, and I still don't know why it's a factor except maybe they went there to see Adam, who then... Came back to LA to see them? Mentoring is a very complicated business on this show, which is why they only invite seasoned professionals like Wily Miley and a Jonas Brother to do it.

Also, not only does the use of POV on Mike last week mean there's no more POV to save Siobhan with, but it also means that two people are going home tonight. Which is the bigger deal? I guess it depends on who's going home tonight. Andrew and somebody else, hopefully Aaron. Call me crazy, but I'm saying Andrew. He's just too bullshitty even for this bullshitty show.

Ryan claps for some number of votes that is very high, and still doesn't matter. It's like clapping for how many inches the sea rose today. Brooke White and somebody I've never heard of are coming, and then Adam Lambert will get his Gaga on, and then two bastards are going home. Randy and Ellen are wearing polos, Kara's wearing a space costume, and Simon's wearing a touchably soft crewneck sweater. What? I said it: Crewneck!

Crystal doesn't give a shit about the singalong, Siobhan's giving it her all, Katie's still gaining weight and doing a funny chicken leg dance, Aaron seems a bit taller, Tim's hair is doing something idiotic but his jeans were tailored for his legs and his voice sounds good. Mike's little grins are starting to be sickening, Crystal's looking more and more beautiful as they chip away years of crusty living, Siobhan's working the Elvis look once again, Crystal and Aaron are way lower in the mix than everybody else, Lee sure does like to pretend to snap his fingers, Casey's fake enthusiasm is as ever a highlight... Jesus, Elvis sang a lot of songs. Didn't he just. Then the pimpmercial, singing the gaywad song of that Tripping Daisy cult that sounds like all their other songs, and planting trees because of the Earth or something, and dancing all hardcore. Not bad, but not memorable.

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American Idol




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