American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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This Show's Been Too Long For Too Long

That guy who is a judge on this show names the first choice, and it's Von. Paula advises him to "be himself" and "let go" of his worries, because he's got it in him, and to stop wearing hats. Kara says number two girl is commercially appealing, with rough spots throughout: Jasmine, obviously. She's the cutest person in the universe, of course she's getting through. I am kind of loving this. Advice for Jasmine: "kill us with your vocals" and "stay in your lane," by which Kara means "sing Rihanna songs each week and don't suddenly turn ugly."

Paula's first pick is from Group A, and she finds him flawless: that's Ricky Braddy, about whom we simply couldn't stop saying he was screwed under the radar. Makes sense. Number four is -- after Simon begs Ryan to stop being a smartass and calling him "Darth Vader," and Ryan apologizes -- Megan, who pissed the judges off by never living up to her first audition. Her plan now? To sing good.

So there are 16 people up there, with four WC spots to go. That man at the judges' table sees "something" in the next person, who was polarizing and insane... And it's Tatiana! Awesome! She runs downstairs crying and screaming and dressed in about three bathing suits that have been stitched together into a dress. She falls on her knees, Ryan hauls her crazy ass up again, and then she refuses to answer his questions with words, and then gives us her fucking autobiography one more time. If we were at the soda shoppe and I asked you what your favorite ice cream was, you'd say "Rocky Road" or "Pink Bubblegum" or whatever the actual answer is, right? But if you asked Tatiana, she would say, "My favorite ice cream is I want this so much, thank you so much, I've worked really hard to get this far, thank you." If you asked her who her favorite contestant was, she would say her left shoe, because it worked so hard to get here. She just honestly doesn't know about how there's other people.

Next: Matt G. Also unsurprising. Where the eff is Anoop already? Paula's next choice -- "we all put our minds together this was a last minute change" -- is Jesse, thank God. Maybe now she can start acting like a normal girl again instead of those vampire ladies from Dracula every time there's a fucking camera on her. And the last spot, Simon says, was one of the easiest decisions of the whole Top 8. "Original, likeable, talented..." And there's Anoop. Awesome. That was like the easiest thing ever to deal with, because duh.

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American Idol

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